WTF, World: Volume XI

"WTF, World". It's like the Super Bowl except that it's not like the Super Bowl in any conceivable way. Still, you get links that piss you off, which is nice.

• In the "Maybe you went a little overboard with the policing, there" file for the week, we have this story, where a teen almost went to court for attempting to sniff hand sanitizer. Granted, the kid is stupid, but being known as "the guy who huffed hand sanitizer" is probably punishment enough. I also like how the father didn't want to publish his kid's name, but was perfectly comfortable giving his own, because, you know, there is absolutely no way the kids at school would be able to link a father's name to his son's or anything. I may be wrong there. They are dumb enough to huff hand sanitizer. A WTF for all involved.
• CDC and FEMA: We do the opposite of our jobs. Stuff like this pisses me off to no end. Gotta love our government's complete disregard for human life.
• Speaking of disregard for human life... I cannot say this too many times: Clinton lied about getting a blow job and millions of tax dollars were spent to impeach him. Bush and his administration lied about, well, a whole lot of Iraq-related stuff, costing thousands of American lives (and an untold number of Iraqi ones), and nothing happened. SOMETHING IS TERRIBLY WRONG HERE.
• I'm guessing, if the Republicans win in November, we're going to war with Iran. Just a hunch. I'm sure my knowledge of they lyrics to "O Canada" (thank you, hockey) will come in handy when this causes me to move to America's hat.

When "Schubert Dip" Was a Valid Album Name

Let's get right back into our highly educated review of MTV Playlist's "90's Hits Playlist" for part 2 of 3. It's fun, because hey, remember when the 90's?

C+C Music Factory

"Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)"

This is a perfect example of the meat-and-potatoes of early-to-mid 90's videos (And also, excessive hyphens! My bad.) with the crap thrown in here. Let's see how they do with the video stereotype checklist...

Random words which have nothing to do with the lyrics thrown on the screen? CHECK

Spastic dancing? CHECK

Flattop haircuts? OH HELLS YES

That's three out of an arbitrarily determined three. Well done, C+C Music Factory.

Speaking of the band(?) name, some of the "words thrown on the screen" are "CAN YOU SAY C+C". Truthfully, for me at least, the answer is no. I do not know if is is "C and C," or "C plus C". This likely stems from the fact that I have never heard anyone utter the question "Did you check out the new C+C Music Factory album? By listening to them, you can really tell how they've improved the efficiency of music production by creating the assembly line and..."

HAHAHA AN INDUSTRIAL REVOLUTION JOKE

This is why I am not a standup comic. Still, at least I am not in a music video playing a toy saxophone...

Ouch.

Time to chalk up another song for Jock Jams.

JOCK JAMS COUNT: 4

Sir Mix-A-Lot

"Baby Got Back"

Seattle has given us quite a few great musical acts. Jimi Hendrix. Pearl Jam. Nirvana. However, none of these even comes close to the pure magnificence of Sir-Mix-a-Lot. Seriously, did those other artists have songs addressing such diverse and deep subject matter as pressing breasts on a windshield ("Put 'em On The Glass") or the unrequited love for a big ass? I think not.

There is something to be said about a video prominently featuring giant papier mache posteriors. What it is, I don't know. But there certainly is something to say.

One of my favorite things about this video is the random synonyms for "ass" thrown on the screen. The best one is definitely "dorsum". No contest.

Y'know, I kind of like Sir-Mix-a-Lot. Not necessarily for his music, but for the fact that he has a sense of humor about the whole thing. A lot of bands miss that and forget the sole reason they get paid is to entertain us regular folk and not to make an album that is split into 5 different discs that you have to play on 5 different stereos at exactly the same time to get the full effect (I'm looking your way, Flaming Lips. I still listen to you guys but, seriously, what the fuck. As if they're reading this anyway. Time to get out of the parentheses...).

OH AND THERE ARE BUTTS TOO. 

Robin S.

"Show Me Love"

This is too lame, even for me. And I like "Men at Work". I have yet to make it through this video in its entirety. Let's just move on.

EMF

"Unbelievable"

First off, these guys' album, as mentioned in the post title, was called "Schubert Dip". This may have something to do with a Hot Carl. I don't care to find out.

EMF's biggest contribution to music was sampling Andrew Dice Clay, which gives a hint to how long they lasted on the charts. The also have a guy who plays a guitar with no strings. I believe that instrument is called "nothing".

Like the Technotronic video in our last installment, the video for "Unbelievable" has made its purpose to give the viewer a seizure. Enough with the strobe lights and quick cuts already.

I'm sure you're all aware that this song was used in a commercial (and by Stephen Colbert), where the word "Unbelievable" was changed to "Crumbelievable" by some Madison Avenue genius. Actually I shouldn't slag whoever came up with that one, as I still remember the commercial. Well done. I'm going to go take a Schubert Dip.

This song was taylor-made for highlight reels and thus, had to be a Jock Jam.

JOCK JAMS COUNT: 5

Rednex

"Cotton Eyed Joe"

This song is fucking awful. I cannot believe there once was a time when I enjoyed it. Actually, scratch that. There was a time when MC Hammer was my favorite artist, so my liking this crap is certainly not...

UNBELIEVABLE

OH!

/plays guitar with no strings

/tallies another one for jock jams (JOCK JAMS COUNT: 6)

/has seizure

Stay tuned next week for the final installment of this epic piece of garbage.

WTF, World: Volume X

"WTF, World" Wednesdays: 60 percent of the time, they work every time.

Let's link, everybody!

• How was this not a bigger story? I just don't get it. I guess nobody cares that A FORMER REPUBLICAN CONGRESSMAN GAVE MONEY TO TERRORISTS! I guess that's because it was the 80's and it's what we all did, as long as they were fighting those dirty commies. Still, this has got to receive some play. Meanwhile, we have pundits giving special reports on the chemistry of Hillary Clinton's tears. Very confusing, indeed.
• Why don't I watch SportsCenter? Because of Busch League shit like this. Before we know it, the show is going to consist entirely of anchors screaming random words. SWEET SASSY MOLASSEE!
• Listen, I understand that there are probably a great deal of genuinely good and intelligent Southerners out there. People like this are not helping your cause. Neither is the fact that, until 2000, South Carolina state employees had the option of celebrating either MLK day or one of three CONFEDERATE holidays. Or that, also until 2000, MLK was celebrated in Virginia as Lee/Jackson/King Day. Lee and Jackson being CONFEDERATE GENERALS. Nothing goes with Martin Luther King, Jr like the Confederacy, which, the last time I checked, was pro-slavery. And another thing... To all you Confederate flag-flying racist southern motherfuckers (and not the aforementioned decent southerners): If the "South will rise again", so will General Sherman to run your asses over. You lost the Civil War. Now go fuck yourself.

Whoomp (Where is It?)

I wax nostalgic about the early-to-mid 1990's in the same way baby boomers do about the 1950's. I really have no idea why, but show me some neon fanny packs and I go nuts. So when I stumbled upon the MTV Playlist Channel's erm... "Playlist" program, which featured music videos exclusively from the 1990's, I was glued to the television like something that is attached to something else with a glue-like adhesive. Some of the 15 videos appearing tin the show have held up well over time. Others, well, not so much. Still, it's worth having a look at these bad boys, because what else is the internet for (well, porn, I guess) besides making fun of old pop culture (like the roughly 6.02x10^23 sites that can basically be boiled down to LOL THE 80'S WERE OLD)?

So here is part one of a look back at some of the most awesome videos to come out of the 90's.

Note: I STRONGLY encourage you to watch these videos as you read. Each has a YouTube link. Enjoy.

 

 

Snap

"The Power"

This video is a great introduction to just what the early 90's dance/rap craze was all about: hysterical dancing and box haircuts. That pretty much covers it. I used dance/rap because it's difficult to classify songs like this. I mean it seems like a straight dance tune, but then the dude above lays down some sick rhymes. Well, maybe just regular rhymes. Still, he sure does look the part of a rapper, what with his Raiders hat and lines shaved into his hair. On the other hand, the "lyrical Jesse James" also looks just a bit like Theo Huxtable, which can't really help his street cred.

 

 

Also, he manages to use the same verse twice in a row. Can he sue himself, then for copying his own "copywritten lyrics so they can't be stolen"? Perhaps this is why we don't hear from Snap anymore. Even though THEY HAVE THE POWER (I kill myself sometimes).

On another note, I'm pretty sure this song appeared on a "Jock Jams" CD, so let's start the count now.

JOCK JAMS COUNT: 1

Onto the next video.

  

Technotronic

"Pump Up the Jam"

This video must have cost about twenty bucks to produce. It reminds me a whole lot of those "Make Your own Music Video" booths you see at theme parks sometimes, where the end result is basically a video of you singing in front of a changing neon background. Technotronic must have visited Busch Gardens or something.

I firmly believe the point of this video is to induce seizures in all who view it. With the flashing backgrounds and the constant cuts, I strongly urge you to find a wooden spoon to put between your teeth before watching. Maybe crystal meth was involved. Who knows?

Oh and I almost forgot FANNY PACK. THERE IS A FANNY PACK.

Technotronic are a bit of a guilty pleasure for me. I'll jam out to "Move This" any day. I'd probably listen to their greatest hits album, too, if it had more than two tracks.

Looks like we have another "Jock Jams" song.

JOCK JAMS COUNT: 2

 

 

 

Tag Team

"Whoomp (There it is)"

This song was huge back in the day. HUGE. I remember when one of my friends called into the local hip-hop/R&B station to request it and actually got on the air, despite the fact that this track had already been played like 17 times in the previous hour. That's how big the song was. Third graders were successfully requesting it.

I love how the two MCs try to look semi-threatening in this video, completely ignoring the fact that they are essentially the Sugarhill Gang, and may or may not have been around 40 years old at the time. OH NO LOOK OUT THEY MAY WHOOMP (HERE IT IS) US

Ed Lover is in this video. See if you can pick him out.

And where's the awkward white person in this video? There she is, right next to Steve. She looks so lost in her tucked-in "WHOOMP THERE IT IS" t-shirt.

 

 

Now, someone is wearing a "Free Mike Tyson" T-shirt here. I am pretty much the biggest Tyson sympathizer around (what can I say, I love to see him knock people into bolivian), and even I wouldn't have pulled that shit after he was convicted for rape.

Another Jock Jam? You better believe it.

JOCK JAMS COUNT: 3

 

  

Kris Kross

"Jump"

Allow me to throw all the credibility I have as someone who likes rap out the window...

This song holds up pretty well. I am serious. The only difference between this and, say, a song by Das EFX (who I like) is that "Jump" is performed by two kids. Who wear their clothes backwards. Backwards pants. What did they do when they had to urinate? This question still keeps me up at night.

Not many people know that this song was written by Jermaine Dupri. For whatever that's  worth. Also, Kris Kross are not twins. I did not know that until now.

For some reason, this is the first non-Jock Jams song on the list. Despite the fact that a key part of the lyrics involve the word "jump", an action employed in pretty much every sport ever.

 

 

Ini Kamoze

"Here Comes the Hotstepper"

I am ashamed to say I purchased this album. Just awful. I also know pretty much all the words to this song. My personal favorite lyrics are "extraordinary, just like a strawberry". Someone needs to inform Mr. Kamoze that strawberries are available at, like, any supermarket in the US.

The video features various shots from "Pret a Porter", a movie that absolutely noone ever saw. Evidently Tim Robbins and Julia Roberts were in it, as they can be seen in the music video. Nothing says "rap music" like Tim Robbins and Julia Roberts. Also, there are various shots of Sofia Loren, who has been the answer to the question "Who is the oldest lady you find sexually attractive" for about the last fifty years.

Other than that, there isn't anything particularly remarkable about this video. No Jock Jams here, either, so I'll leave you with a "Here Comes the Hotstepper"-related quote from Giselle, my girlfriend.

GISELLE'S WORDS OF WISDOM: "What the hell! This song won't end!"

NEXT WEEK: PART 2!

WTF, World: Volume IX

It's not Michael Jackson, and this is not "Thriller".

It's another "WTF, World" Wednesday. 

Enough Run DMC references. Let's get to the links.

• Often times, I wonder why the rest of the world thinks Americans are idiots. Then something like this pops up. People like that are the reason that "Idiocracy" is not just a comedy, but also a chilling look into our future. Jesus. Pick up a fucking book, America.
• Medication is expensive. Why? Partly because pharmaceutical companies spend more on advertising than on research and development. I honestly don't understand this. I get prescriptions when my doctor tells me to need them. I don't watch TV and go "AW SWEET, NEXIUM IS PURPLE" and then run down to the pharmacy before ultimately being rejected by the pharmacist because I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING PRESCRIPTION WRITTEN BY A DOCTOR. So why spend billions advertising your product to the Average Joe when he or she can't even buy it without a doctor's approval? The answer may lie in this week's first link.
• Why would people like myself want comprehensive sex ed instead of abstinence-only sex ed to be taught in schools (besides the fact that it works better)? According to a panelist on Fox News, it's because we "benefit when kids end up having STDs [and] unplanned pregnancies..." Yup, every 14-year old with herpes puts 5 bucks into my pocket. I'm busted.
• You know what shouldn't be taught in science class? Science. I think my favorite leap-of-faith in this one is the attribution of a toddler's death at the hands of a 12-year old to the teaching of evolution. Today's first link is just making more and more sense.

Where is Mike Adamle When You Need Him?

As far as I can see, the single benefit of the writers' strike has been the return of "American Gladiators", which I celebrated by forgetting to DVR the show on two separate occasions. "Gladiators" was one of my favorite shows growing up, and I was entranced by the cargo nets, oversized metal hamster balls, and early 90's feathered hair running throughout the show. Now it's back and I'm psyched.

If, for some strange reason, you aren't familiar with the program, "American Gladiators" is basically a sports-like game show where athletic everymen (and women, too!) compete in various foam-padding related events against a group of "gladiators" who, based on appearance alone, have a diet that consists entirely of HGH and "American Gladiators" contestants.

For some perspective on the build of an average male gladiator, here's a picture:

This man is wearing a banana hammock because he cannot fit into conventional clothing. 

That picture just cannot be real. Even Rob Liefeld superheroes are not that crazily muscular. Hyperbole aside, the male gladiators are ridiculously jacked and have muscles that I had no idea even existed on the human body. For instance, it appears that the veins on this man's quads have their own biceps. 

The female gladiators follow suit, and look like

OH GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT

In the old show, pretty much every female gladiator basically followed the mold of picture above. In other words, they looked like male gladiators, but with wigs. These women scared the shit out of me well before I even understood what sex was.

Anyway, these beasts were pitted against contestants who, by normal standards, were quite athletic. They probably won the Presidential Physical Fitness Award back in Middle School, where they EXCEEDED THE STANDARD by getting like +5 on the sit-and-reach. Also, an exorbitant amount of the show's contestants seemed to work for the LAPD, and were probably implicated in the Rampart Scandal. The bulk of these contestants also had names that fell into four basic categories:

1) Generic names that sound like they could only belong to men and women in the Witness Protection Program.

Example: Mark Ortega. I heard he used to be Joaquin Ramirez, but he saw some bad shit go down and his only way to lay low was to become a contestant on a nationally-syndicated show.

2) Names that only Mike Adamle could possibly pronounce.

Example: Pat Csizmazia. My last name is "Stachelhaus" and I have no clue as to how to attack that one. I'd probably just always call him "Pat."

3) Crazy names you had no idea could possibly exist.

Example: Tiziana Sorge. What in the fuck is a "Tiziana"? Dorann Cumberbatch also would work here. I don't know what a cumberbatch is, and I don't think I want to know.

4) Other

Example: The bulk of the other names. Yeah, my classification system is weak.

The show as a whole involved various events that involved copious amounts of foam padding or a safety harness. One of my personal favorites as a kid was "Assault," where the contestants had to avoid being shot by a tennis ball-gun while simultaneously attempting to shoot a target with nerf weapons that were realistically modeled to look like nerf weapons. If the contestant succeeded in hitting the target, steam would erupt around the gladiator shooting the aforementioned tennis ball-gun, and he/she (the she may not be necessary, as the jury is still out on the sex of female gladiators) would roid rage all over the place because the steam was ruining his/her fabulous hairdo.

The show ended with THE ELIMINATOR, named this because it eliminates odor, and doesn't just mask it like those OTHER sprays. Really, it was a trumped-up obstacle course, where "tire run" was replaced by "hand bike", and "low crawl" with "blown ACL". Also, there were cargo nets. The eliminator and cargo nets go together like peas and something that goes naturally with peas. 

The contestants always finished by busting through some sort of paper door, which appeared to be immensely satisfying. I think I'm going to install paper doors all throughout my apartment so I can feel like I accomplished something with my day besides "updated blog" and "ate a sandwich".

Throughout the show, the gladiators served as a shining example of excellence to us viewers, and showed us how important it was to stay in school and don't do drugs (except steroids) and all the other PSA  stuff we were bombarded with back in the day. 

All in all, the show obviously didn't have any real meaning besides entertainment, and I don't really have a problem with that. At best, it may have got people thinking "Hey, I want to be on that" and inspired them to go outside and become more active (I'm really reaching here). Bar anything else, "American Gladiators" was, and hopefully is, a fun spectacle, and that's good enough for the bulk of the shows we watch. So welcome back, "American Gladiators". I hope you're as entertaining as your predecessor.

And there better be cargo nets.

WTF, World: Volume VIII

Last Friday, my girlfriend and I went to the local theatre to see "Juno" (which was a spectacular movie, and I highly recommend it). Joining us were perhaps thirty middle school/early high school kids, who mistakenly thought that, because the film was rated PG-13, its subject matter was aimed at their age base. This failure was largely exhibited when, during the end credits, one of the kids in the front row stood up and yelled "SUCKY MOVIE!"

I'm sure you have the same reaction as I do when you see kids from this age group enter your theatre, and, at one point or another, your thoughts will likely involve the sentence "These fuckers better not hit me with a Jujube." By and large, this demographic is annoying as all hell in movie theaters (and pretty much everywhere else), and the bunch on Friday were no exception. And yes, I am acutely aware that I sound like an old curmudgeon right now.

So I'm going to start off this week's "WTF, World" with a story from Friday instead of a link (oh, but there will be links, too, so don't worry, reader(s)).

• I think I missed the boat on the whole "text messaging" thing. For the most part, I don't have a problem with it, but it's not something I do unless I want to tell multiple people the same thing all at once or I am drunk. Personally, I think it's easier just to call someone instead of engage in a text message conversation with them, but, whatever. Anyway, for many people, it seems that text messaging has gotten way out of hand (okay, I couldn't resist throwing a link in there). This was the case on Friday, where it seemed that not a minute of the movie went by without one of those pipsqueaks having to message someone. Now, what kind of asshat are you if you can't go  five minutes without having to inform, idk, your bff Jill, about some completely inane shit like "OMG TONY IS SO HOTTTTT"? It's not like every single one of these kids has a parent in the hospital and needs to constantly receive updates on their condition. Regardless of the peculiar and annoying ADD-ness of this age group, the text messaging wouldn't otherwise be a problem for the surrounding populace in most places and situations, as it is largely silent. But it's a pain in the ass inside a movie theatre when, besides the screen, it is dark, and, oh look, someone has opened a flip phone two rows up and ITS SCREEN IS BRIGHTER THAN THE GODDAMN SUN and your eyes are almost instinctively drawn away from the screen and towards said bright light. Now picture these bright lights popping up roughly every five minutes during the movie and you have quite the annoyance on your hands. On the plus side, these kids now all know that Tony is hottttt, so at least something good came out of it (and don't get me started on a people-who-add-multiple-short-sounding-consonants-onto-the-end-of-a-word tirade). 
• News Hounds provides us with yet another great Fox News link. According to the brain trust over at that news station, "Cloverfield" is trying to garner box-office success by exploiting 9/11. Kind of like Rudy Giuliani, no?
• Remember the "purity siege" taking place along I-35? Turns out it may not quite be working out as well as planned. The man de-gayed by the lord featured on the "700 Club" has... um... Re-gayed.
• Ron Paul is running for President. Ron Paul is a fairly popular candidate, especially around these here internets. Ron Paul claimed MLK was a gay pedophile and praised former KKK bigwig David Duke. Ron Paul is a douchebag.

THAT AIN'T YO CAKE!

Earlier this week I rediscovered the glory that is Terry Tate. Here's an opportunity for you to do so, as well.

Oh, and don't forget Draft Day, Vacation, Sensitivity Training, and "Office Athlete of the Century." I think I should change my profession to "Office Linebacker."

Time to Re-Up

This Sunday is a big day in my world.

And no, it is not Chris Castile's birthday.

On Sunday, "The Wire" returns for its fifth and final season. I really can't say enough about the show that, in my opinion, is far and away the best thing ever broadcast on television. But I'll try, because it's Friday, which means it is blog time, and I may as well write about something that I already push to people with similar zeal to an evangelical missionary.

Let me start off by staring that the show is wildly unappreciated. Perhaps even moreso than "Arrested Development", another one of my favorites. The only reason it has run for (soon to be) five seasons is that it airs on HBO, which doesn't have to worry about ad money. Also, I'd imagine the station needs something good to balance out the fact that it will probably show "Norbit" about 1,100 times over the next month, but that's just a theory.

Even though it has received great critical acclaim, the show has, for some odd reason, never won an Emmy. In the TV world, this is somewhat of a travesty (in the real world, it ranks somewhere on the sad scale around "Aw, man, I dropped my ice cream!" Still it's a bummer. Bear with me). How this show has not been recognized is beyond me. I am not alone in these sentiments. In one of the behind-the-scenes specials about the show, a critic from Time Magazine exclaims "'The Wire' hasn't won an Emmy!? It deserves the Nobel Prize for literature!". 

The critic's statement may seem to be a bit of hyperbole to most people, but, frankly, I think it's close to the truth. Although it is a TV show, the series stands as a great achievement in storytelling. Each episode is unbelievably well crafted and the overarching story gives deep insight into many of the ills affecting inner cities and America in general. It is difficult to sum up the excellence of every facet of the show, and I usually just end up exclaiming something to the tune of "IT'S FUCKING AWESOME!". Suffice it to say, the skill put into "The Wire" is unparalleled.

Also, parts of one episode involve an Orioles game. Suck on that, "winning" baseball teams. But that's beside the point.

So why hasn't the show received much attention? I think it may lie in the nature of TV shows itself. Television is an escapist media. Most of us, including myself (For God's sake, I've watched about a million hours work of Nickelodeon "Guts" over my lifetime), will sit down and watch something we find entertaining to separate ourselves from the real world and relax at the end of the day. Thought-provoking shows yank us out of this bubble, and, with shows like "The Wire" in particular, may force us to deal with things we may not necessarily find all that pleasant. Most people don't want to really think when they watch TV, never mind face the facts that many of our institutions are failing inside cities. Thus, "The Wire" gets poor ratings.

If you look around the series-of-tubes that is the internet, you'll likely find hundreds of testimonials as to why "The Wire" is great. Some will praise the acting, while others will champion the superb writing or gritty realism. Some may dwell on the fact that Omar both slings a shotgun with the best of 'em and enjoys tongue-kissing dudes. As for me, well let me just say... um...

IT'S FUCKING AWESOME

Yes, I am extremely eloquent.

If you have HBO, do yourself a favor and tune in on Sunday night, and if you have Netflix, try to get your hands on the DVDs. Shows this good are few and far between.

Or you can always watch "Are you Smarter than a 5th Grader?". Your choice.

WTF, World: Volume VII

It's time to start your new year off right with another "WTF, World" Wednesday.

• Michael Savage... Just an awful person. And yet he has a syndicated radio show with millions of listeners and a best-selling book. His rhetoric is pathetic, but even worse is that, all across America, evidently people agree with statements like "By and large, 90 percent of the people on the Nobel Committee are into child pornography and molestation," and that God caused 9/11 because of an increase in lesbian fertility clinics and sex-change operations. Find more excerpts from this indescribable douchelord here (In retrospect, I didn't need the word "indescribable" there. "Douchelord" describes him perfectly).
• Interesting little diatribe here. There is so much on which I could go off here. The most amusing thing, I think, is that the author (who proves you do not need to be intelligent to get a PhD) asserts that educators should be JAILED for insisting that homeschoolers must follow state-approved standards. Heaven forbid those kids learn something. Also, the author's book has the hilarious title "ISLAM: America's Trojan Horse!". That exclamation point was completely necessary.
• Gotta love this logic from republican Texas state rep Debbie Kimball: Free healthcare, education = THE DEVIL. She probably should have just busted out with "If they would rather die, they had better do it, and decrease the surplus population!". I realize this is closed-minded of me, but I think she probably would have attributed that to Scrooge McDuck instead of Charles Dickens, though, so maybe her statement was best left intact.