Where is Mike Adamle When You Need Him?

As far as I can see, the single benefit of the writers' strike has been the return of "American Gladiators", which I celebrated by forgetting to DVR the show on two separate occasions. "Gladiators" was one of my favorite shows growing up, and I was entranced by the cargo nets, oversized metal hamster balls, and early 90's feathered hair running throughout the show. Now it's back and I'm psyched.

If, for some strange reason, you aren't familiar with the program, "American Gladiators" is basically a sports-like game show where athletic everymen (and women, too!) compete in various foam-padding related events against a group of "gladiators" who, based on appearance alone, have a diet that consists entirely of HGH and "American Gladiators" contestants.

For some perspective on the build of an average male gladiator, here's a picture:

This man is wearing a banana hammock because he cannot fit into conventional clothing. 

That picture just cannot be real. Even Rob Liefeld superheroes are not that crazily muscular. Hyperbole aside, the male gladiators are ridiculously jacked and have muscles that I had no idea even existed on the human body. For instance, it appears that the veins on this man's quads have their own biceps. 

The female gladiators follow suit, and look like

OH GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT

In the old show, pretty much every female gladiator basically followed the mold of picture above. In other words, they looked like male gladiators, but with wigs. These women scared the shit out of me well before I even understood what sex was.

Anyway, these beasts were pitted against contestants who, by normal standards, were quite athletic. They probably won the Presidential Physical Fitness Award back in Middle School, where they EXCEEDED THE STANDARD by getting like +5 on the sit-and-reach. Also, an exorbitant amount of the show's contestants seemed to work for the LAPD, and were probably implicated in the Rampart Scandal. The bulk of these contestants also had names that fell into four basic categories:

1) Generic names that sound like they could only belong to men and women in the Witness Protection Program.

Example: Mark Ortega. I heard he used to be Joaquin Ramirez, but he saw some bad shit go down and his only way to lay low was to become a contestant on a nationally-syndicated show.

2) Names that only Mike Adamle could possibly pronounce.

Example: Pat Csizmazia. My last name is "Stachelhaus" and I have no clue as to how to attack that one. I'd probably just always call him "Pat."

3) Crazy names you had no idea could possibly exist.

Example: Tiziana Sorge. What in the fuck is a "Tiziana"? Dorann Cumberbatch also would work here. I don't know what a cumberbatch is, and I don't think I want to know.

4) Other

Example: The bulk of the other names. Yeah, my classification system is weak.

The show as a whole involved various events that involved copious amounts of foam padding or a safety harness. One of my personal favorites as a kid was "Assault," where the contestants had to avoid being shot by a tennis ball-gun while simultaneously attempting to shoot a target with nerf weapons that were realistically modeled to look like nerf weapons. If the contestant succeeded in hitting the target, steam would erupt around the gladiator shooting the aforementioned tennis ball-gun, and he/she (the she may not be necessary, as the jury is still out on the sex of female gladiators) would roid rage all over the place because the steam was ruining his/her fabulous hairdo.

The show ended with THE ELIMINATOR, named this because it eliminates odor, and doesn't just mask it like those OTHER sprays. Really, it was a trumped-up obstacle course, where "tire run" was replaced by "hand bike", and "low crawl" with "blown ACL". Also, there were cargo nets. The eliminator and cargo nets go together like peas and something that goes naturally with peas. 

The contestants always finished by busting through some sort of paper door, which appeared to be immensely satisfying. I think I'm going to install paper doors all throughout my apartment so I can feel like I accomplished something with my day besides "updated blog" and "ate a sandwich".

Throughout the show, the gladiators served as a shining example of excellence to us viewers, and showed us how important it was to stay in school and don't do drugs (except steroids) and all the other PSA  stuff we were bombarded with back in the day. 

All in all, the show obviously didn't have any real meaning besides entertainment, and I don't really have a problem with that. At best, it may have got people thinking "Hey, I want to be on that" and inspired them to go outside and become more active (I'm really reaching here). Bar anything else, "American Gladiators" was, and hopefully is, a fun spectacle, and that's good enough for the bulk of the shows we watch. So welcome back, "American Gladiators". I hope you're as entertaining as your predecessor.

And there better be cargo nets.