Where is Mike Adamle When You Need Him?

As far as I can see, the single benefit of the writers' strike has been the return of "American Gladiators", which I celebrated by forgetting to DVR the show on two separate occasions. "Gladiators" was one of my favorite shows growing up, and I was entranced by the cargo nets, oversized metal hamster balls, and early 90's feathered hair running throughout the show. Now it's back and I'm psyched.

If, for some strange reason, you aren't familiar with the program, "American Gladiators" is basically a sports-like game show where athletic everymen (and women, too!) compete in various foam-padding related events against a group of "gladiators" who, based on appearance alone, have a diet that consists entirely of HGH and "American Gladiators" contestants.

For some perspective on the build of an average male gladiator, here's a picture:

This man is wearing a banana hammock because he cannot fit into conventional clothing. 

That picture just cannot be real. Even Rob Liefeld superheroes are not that crazily muscular. Hyperbole aside, the male gladiators are ridiculously jacked and have muscles that I had no idea even existed on the human body. For instance, it appears that the veins on this man's quads have their own biceps. 

The female gladiators follow suit, and look like

OH GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT

In the old show, pretty much every female gladiator basically followed the mold of picture above. In other words, they looked like male gladiators, but with wigs. These women scared the shit out of me well before I even understood what sex was.

Anyway, these beasts were pitted against contestants who, by normal standards, were quite athletic. They probably won the Presidential Physical Fitness Award back in Middle School, where they EXCEEDED THE STANDARD by getting like +5 on the sit-and-reach. Also, an exorbitant amount of the show's contestants seemed to work for the LAPD, and were probably implicated in the Rampart Scandal. The bulk of these contestants also had names that fell into four basic categories:

1) Generic names that sound like they could only belong to men and women in the Witness Protection Program.

Example: Mark Ortega. I heard he used to be Joaquin Ramirez, but he saw some bad shit go down and his only way to lay low was to become a contestant on a nationally-syndicated show.

2) Names that only Mike Adamle could possibly pronounce.

Example: Pat Csizmazia. My last name is "Stachelhaus" and I have no clue as to how to attack that one. I'd probably just always call him "Pat."

3) Crazy names you had no idea could possibly exist.

Example: Tiziana Sorge. What in the fuck is a "Tiziana"? Dorann Cumberbatch also would work here. I don't know what a cumberbatch is, and I don't think I want to know.

4) Other

Example: The bulk of the other names. Yeah, my classification system is weak.

The show as a whole involved various events that involved copious amounts of foam padding or a safety harness. One of my personal favorites as a kid was "Assault," where the contestants had to avoid being shot by a tennis ball-gun while simultaneously attempting to shoot a target with nerf weapons that were realistically modeled to look like nerf weapons. If the contestant succeeded in hitting the target, steam would erupt around the gladiator shooting the aforementioned tennis ball-gun, and he/she (the she may not be necessary, as the jury is still out on the sex of female gladiators) would roid rage all over the place because the steam was ruining his/her fabulous hairdo.

The show ended with THE ELIMINATOR, named this because it eliminates odor, and doesn't just mask it like those OTHER sprays. Really, it was a trumped-up obstacle course, where "tire run" was replaced by "hand bike", and "low crawl" with "blown ACL". Also, there were cargo nets. The eliminator and cargo nets go together like peas and something that goes naturally with peas. 

The contestants always finished by busting through some sort of paper door, which appeared to be immensely satisfying. I think I'm going to install paper doors all throughout my apartment so I can feel like I accomplished something with my day besides "updated blog" and "ate a sandwich".

Throughout the show, the gladiators served as a shining example of excellence to us viewers, and showed us how important it was to stay in school and don't do drugs (except steroids) and all the other PSA  stuff we were bombarded with back in the day. 

All in all, the show obviously didn't have any real meaning besides entertainment, and I don't really have a problem with that. At best, it may have got people thinking "Hey, I want to be on that" and inspired them to go outside and become more active (I'm really reaching here). Bar anything else, "American Gladiators" was, and hopefully is, a fun spectacle, and that's good enough for the bulk of the shows we watch. So welcome back, "American Gladiators". I hope you're as entertaining as your predecessor.

And there better be cargo nets.

WTF, World: Volume VIII

Last Friday, my girlfriend and I went to the local theatre to see "Juno" (which was a spectacular movie, and I highly recommend it). Joining us were perhaps thirty middle school/early high school kids, who mistakenly thought that, because the film was rated PG-13, its subject matter was aimed at their age base. This failure was largely exhibited when, during the end credits, one of the kids in the front row stood up and yelled "SUCKY MOVIE!"

I'm sure you have the same reaction as I do when you see kids from this age group enter your theatre, and, at one point or another, your thoughts will likely involve the sentence "These fuckers better not hit me with a Jujube." By and large, this demographic is annoying as all hell in movie theaters (and pretty much everywhere else), and the bunch on Friday were no exception. And yes, I am acutely aware that I sound like an old curmudgeon right now.

So I'm going to start off this week's "WTF, World" with a story from Friday instead of a link (oh, but there will be links, too, so don't worry, reader(s)).

• I think I missed the boat on the whole "text messaging" thing. For the most part, I don't have a problem with it, but it's not something I do unless I want to tell multiple people the same thing all at once or I am drunk. Personally, I think it's easier just to call someone instead of engage in a text message conversation with them, but, whatever. Anyway, for many people, it seems that text messaging has gotten way out of hand (okay, I couldn't resist throwing a link in there). This was the case on Friday, where it seemed that not a minute of the movie went by without one of those pipsqueaks having to message someone. Now, what kind of asshat are you if you can't go  five minutes without having to inform, idk, your bff Jill, about some completely inane shit like "OMG TONY IS SO HOTTTTT"? It's not like every single one of these kids has a parent in the hospital and needs to constantly receive updates on their condition. Regardless of the peculiar and annoying ADD-ness of this age group, the text messaging wouldn't otherwise be a problem for the surrounding populace in most places and situations, as it is largely silent. But it's a pain in the ass inside a movie theatre when, besides the screen, it is dark, and, oh look, someone has opened a flip phone two rows up and ITS SCREEN IS BRIGHTER THAN THE GODDAMN SUN and your eyes are almost instinctively drawn away from the screen and towards said bright light. Now picture these bright lights popping up roughly every five minutes during the movie and you have quite the annoyance on your hands. On the plus side, these kids now all know that Tony is hottttt, so at least something good came out of it (and don't get me started on a people-who-add-multiple-short-sounding-consonants-onto-the-end-of-a-word tirade). 
• News Hounds provides us with yet another great Fox News link. According to the brain trust over at that news station, "Cloverfield" is trying to garner box-office success by exploiting 9/11. Kind of like Rudy Giuliani, no?
• Remember the "purity siege" taking place along I-35? Turns out it may not quite be working out as well as planned. The man de-gayed by the lord featured on the "700 Club" has... um... Re-gayed.
• Ron Paul is running for President. Ron Paul is a fairly popular candidate, especially around these here internets. Ron Paul claimed MLK was a gay pedophile and praised former KKK bigwig David Duke. Ron Paul is a douchebag.

THAT AIN'T YO CAKE!

Earlier this week I rediscovered the glory that is Terry Tate. Here's an opportunity for you to do so, as well.

Oh, and don't forget Draft Day, Vacation, Sensitivity Training, and "Office Athlete of the Century." I think I should change my profession to "Office Linebacker."

Time to Re-Up

This Sunday is a big day in my world.

And no, it is not Chris Castile's birthday.

On Sunday, "The Wire" returns for its fifth and final season. I really can't say enough about the show that, in my opinion, is far and away the best thing ever broadcast on television. But I'll try, because it's Friday, which means it is blog time, and I may as well write about something that I already push to people with similar zeal to an evangelical missionary.

Let me start off by staring that the show is wildly unappreciated. Perhaps even moreso than "Arrested Development", another one of my favorites. The only reason it has run for (soon to be) five seasons is that it airs on HBO, which doesn't have to worry about ad money. Also, I'd imagine the station needs something good to balance out the fact that it will probably show "Norbit" about 1,100 times over the next month, but that's just a theory.

Even though it has received great critical acclaim, the show has, for some odd reason, never won an Emmy. In the TV world, this is somewhat of a travesty (in the real world, it ranks somewhere on the sad scale around "Aw, man, I dropped my ice cream!" Still it's a bummer. Bear with me). How this show has not been recognized is beyond me. I am not alone in these sentiments. In one of the behind-the-scenes specials about the show, a critic from Time Magazine exclaims "'The Wire' hasn't won an Emmy!? It deserves the Nobel Prize for literature!". 

The critic's statement may seem to be a bit of hyperbole to most people, but, frankly, I think it's close to the truth. Although it is a TV show, the series stands as a great achievement in storytelling. Each episode is unbelievably well crafted and the overarching story gives deep insight into many of the ills affecting inner cities and America in general. It is difficult to sum up the excellence of every facet of the show, and I usually just end up exclaiming something to the tune of "IT'S FUCKING AWESOME!". Suffice it to say, the skill put into "The Wire" is unparalleled.

Also, parts of one episode involve an Orioles game. Suck on that, "winning" baseball teams. But that's beside the point.

So why hasn't the show received much attention? I think it may lie in the nature of TV shows itself. Television is an escapist media. Most of us, including myself (For God's sake, I've watched about a million hours work of Nickelodeon "Guts" over my lifetime), will sit down and watch something we find entertaining to separate ourselves from the real world and relax at the end of the day. Thought-provoking shows yank us out of this bubble, and, with shows like "The Wire" in particular, may force us to deal with things we may not necessarily find all that pleasant. Most people don't want to really think when they watch TV, never mind face the facts that many of our institutions are failing inside cities. Thus, "The Wire" gets poor ratings.

If you look around the series-of-tubes that is the internet, you'll likely find hundreds of testimonials as to why "The Wire" is great. Some will praise the acting, while others will champion the superb writing or gritty realism. Some may dwell on the fact that Omar both slings a shotgun with the best of 'em and enjoys tongue-kissing dudes. As for me, well let me just say... um...

IT'S FUCKING AWESOME

Yes, I am extremely eloquent.

If you have HBO, do yourself a favor and tune in on Sunday night, and if you have Netflix, try to get your hands on the DVDs. Shows this good are few and far between.

Or you can always watch "Are you Smarter than a 5th Grader?". Your choice.

WTF, World: Volume VII

It's time to start your new year off right with another "WTF, World" Wednesday.

• Michael Savage... Just an awful person. And yet he has a syndicated radio show with millions of listeners and a best-selling book. His rhetoric is pathetic, but even worse is that, all across America, evidently people agree with statements like "By and large, 90 percent of the people on the Nobel Committee are into child pornography and molestation," and that God caused 9/11 because of an increase in lesbian fertility clinics and sex-change operations. Find more excerpts from this indescribable douchelord here (In retrospect, I didn't need the word "indescribable" there. "Douchelord" describes him perfectly).
• Interesting little diatribe here. There is so much on which I could go off here. The most amusing thing, I think, is that the author (who proves you do not need to be intelligent to get a PhD) asserts that educators should be JAILED for insisting that homeschoolers must follow state-approved standards. Heaven forbid those kids learn something. Also, the author's book has the hilarious title "ISLAM: America's Trojan Horse!". That exclamation point was completely necessary.
• Gotta love this logic from republican Texas state rep Debbie Kimball: Free healthcare, education = THE DEVIL. She probably should have just busted out with "If they would rather die, they had better do it, and decrease the surplus population!". I realize this is closed-minded of me, but I think she probably would have attributed that to Scrooge McDuck instead of Charles Dickens, though, so maybe her statement was best left intact.

A Nostradamus-Like Look Into 2008

Well, it's the end of another year, and the cold days of December will yield to the equally cold days of January. And what better way to celebrate the new year than by offering up some predictions for the major stories of 2008?

March

• The writers' strike finally ends after the producers finally cave, as they can no longer wait any longer to find out what will happen on "Lost." However, work begins with the caveat that all other good shows must be cancelled and replaced with forensic dramas or boring formulaic sitcoms. CSI:ICU premieres, with impressive ratings.

June

• Jamie-Lynn Spears's baby is born, and its father is revealed to be fellow former Nickelodeon star and "Legends of the Hidden Temple" host Kurt Fogg. The baby is captured by the dreaded Temple Guards and imprisoned in the Hidden Temple less than a week after its birth. Unfortunately, the Red Jaguars are unable to save the child, as they cannot construct the three-piece silver monkey statue (they lack the mental skill to figure out that it goes legs-body-head) within the allotted time. The Jaguars still manage to win Bushnell Tracker Binoculars and a pair of British Knights sneakers. Jamie-Lynn is compensated for the loss of her child with a trip to Space Camp.

July

• In order to one-up her sister in celebrity scandals, Britney Spears allows one of her children to drunk-driver her to her latest custody hearing. Britney's mother, Lynne's, book on parenting is finally released, although the publisher changes its title to "How to Parent in Bizzarro World, Where Everything is Opposite."

August

• In order to provide some relief for the massive heat wave ravaging large parts of the country AND curb illegal immigration, President Bush proposes the construction of a dual purpose enormous air conditioner/people barrier to be constructed along the Mexican border in Texas. As to the effects of the massive amount of heat also generated by the air conditioners, Bush states "That's Mexico's problem."

October

• The World Series is won by either the Yankees or Red Sox in the most predicatble fall classic ever. Meanwhile, 75 percent of the Orioles are caught violating baseball's steroid policy. Penalties are relaxed, however, as this news makes it evident that steroids do not improve a player's performance in any way.

November

• The team of Hillary Clinton and John Edwards narrowly defeats Rudy Giuliani and his Vice Presidential candidate, 9/11 on Election Day. A furious Sean Hannity claims "THE TERRORISTS HAVE WON!" before spontaneously combusting on-air. Ann Coulter continues to be a bitch.

December

• After finally learning the true meaning of Christmas, Dick Cheney's heart grows three sizes bigger. However, this is the result of a serious health condition, and not of a Dr. Seuss-like story, and he is rushed to the hospital. Scott cannot think of anything good to write, and decides to make predictions for next year.

WTF, World: Volume VI

We're going back in time today and making it a "WTF Wednesday". The space-time continuum will never be the same.

And now the links.

• Remember how millions of our tax dollars went towards teaching only abstinence to young folk instead of informing them about the virtues of condoms? Well that worked out spectacularly (Even Fox News has reported this). Poor Jamie-Lynn Spears. If only she had been properly educated before she put out. Actually, the real victim may be her mother, whose book about parenting was put on hold following the news of her daughter's pregnancy. Good call by the publishers there.
• We shouldn't subsidize poor children's healthcare because OUR CIGARETTES WOULD BE TOO EXPENSIVE. Glad to see our President has his priorities in check. At this point, our country seems a bit like the plot of "The Producers." Think about it. Say, like in 2000, a democratic strategist thought that it would be a good idea for Bush to win the Republican bid because everything he touches turns to shit, paving the way for an easy Dem victory. Only people end up loving Bush and elect him to two terms. As President, he's still the anti-Midas, but AW HOW CAN WE STAY MAD AT THAT FACE.
• I-35 is, apparently, some sort of holy road planned originally in the Bible. Funny, I thought the Eisenhower administration was behind it all. Evangelical Christian groups are using the highway as a launching pad for a "purity siege", which includes eliminating homosexuality through prayer. You know what? Being "filled up by the Holy Ghost" sounds pretty gay, too, so you better watch yourself. Also, purity siege people, how about you spend your time praying for and putting your energy into helping sick people, or the starving, or the homeless or something, instead of freaking out about trivial stuff. There's that whole "priorities" thing again.