The Name "Spanky" Probably Wouldn't Fly in Today's Society

The other night, my girlfriend and I were watching TV when we stumbled upon the forgotten classic film "The Little Rascals". I believe the AFI ranks it right behind "Citizen Kane" and "The Godfather" in their best movies list.

Okay, in reality, it isn't nearly that caliber of film, but if you are from my generation and you say there wasn't a time in your life when you liked this movie you are a big fat liar. 

Anyway, we watched the last 45 minutes or so of the film, and, during this time, I couldn't help but wonder what the hell happened to all of the movie's child actors. For the most part, these kids are roughly my age now, and, as you well know, child actors do not normally fare well as they grow up. Hollywood is littered with people like of Todd Bridges, Dustin Diamond, and Danny Bonaduce who alternate between the police blotter and some variation of The Surreal Life. Surely, this movie's child actors must have fallen from the heights of fame (tons of Little Rascals groupies, let me tell you) to a similar fate.

And, according to reliable sources (my mind), many of them did. Here's a rundown of where these actors are now.

Alfalfa (center, next to dog): Naturally, he did what any bowtie-wearing kid would do. He became a Tucker Carlson impersonator for birthdays and special events.

Spanky (to left of Alfalfa): Grew up, got a sex change, turned into Paula Deen (Note the similarities in their voices.).

Darla (only girl in picture): Broke up with Alfalfa soon after movie ended when she realized she was like 6 and boys, at the time, were icky. She later came around to the opposite sex, but went too far and was arrested for prostitution.

Buckwheat and Porky (bottom of picture): Ended up grifting, with moderate success. Eventually were busted by the feds when they tried to pull a big "pickles and dollars" scam.

Waldo (below dog): It must have been rough for this kid, who was typecast as "loathsome rich kid" in pretty much anything he ever acted in. On the other hand, OH MY GOD I HATED HIM SO MUCH. He was pretty much the child version of  Sack from "Wedding Crashers". What happened to him? He is now national president of the Young Republicans. He has more money than you. He is a member of several secret societies geared specifically towards being WASPy. Still loathsome.

Butch (backwards hat) and Woim (ginger kid): So called "tough kids" later tried to lead their gang in a turf war against the Crips. If you have any information on their whereabouts, contact the LAPD.

Stymie (top, wearing hat): Completely normal. Is an engineer. Pretty anti-climactic, really.

So that's all I could dig up. Yet another generation of child actors tossed by the wayside. I suppose it would be a sadder story if any of this were true, but hey, that's what you get on these here interwebs.

WTF, World: Volume XXVII

If you were not already aware, the Celtics won their 17th NBA Championship last night. All is right with the sports world.

But it's Wednesday, so that means I've still gotta complain about something. And how!

Here's some links.

• Here's a sweet story. A high school in Mississippi has finally desegregated its prom. How progressive of them. Oh, wait. I forgot it was 2008 and this should have happened at least 50 years ago. Way to go, guys.
• And certain LSU fans aren't doing any better at making the south look good with their "The Civil War Shoulda Been Best 2 Outta 3" sign. Dumbasses. I suppose if this were the case, though, the Civil War II (Electric Boogaloo) probably would have been a slaughter of Cornell-Hofstra proportions, and there would be no need for a game 3.
• Some Dems have not thrown their support behind Obama because of some well thought-out rationale like this gem, provided by a Tennessee Democratic Party executive: "He's got some bad connections, and he may be terrorist connected for all I can tell. It sounds kind of like he may be." Seems like someone's been watching "The Manchurian Candidate" a bit too much. Hey, that sounds quite similar to the asinine ideas expressed by some (remember: their vote cancels out yours) West Virginians during primary season. What will these people do if Obama is elected president? I am excited to find out.
• "Carbon Belch Day" is wrong in oh so many ways. Even disregarding any global warming ramifications, how could using as much energy as possible do good for anyone? Oh, wait, I see. Oil prices are high, so the only logical thing to do is CONSUME AS MUCH FUEL AS WE CAN. Seriously, the reasoning behind this absolutely blows my mind. If you can come up with a legitimate explanation for Carbon Belch Day besides "haha liberals are pussies", please, do tell. Additionally, this whole thing is particularly funny as the day is promoted by none other than Neil Cavuto, who, as we've seen, is not particularly thrilled about the cost of fuel. He's also a complete idiot, so I suppose it makes sense.

WTF, World: Volume XXVI

This week, on a very special "WTF, World" Wednesday...

I complain about something and direct you to the links below.

• The general election is rolling along, and the biggest news as of now is that Obama gave his wife a celebratory fist pound. The meaning of this action is very important, for some reason or another. Even more ridiculous than the massive amount of attention given to this inane topic is that, according to Fox News, the dap could potentially be a "terrorist fist jab". Let me write that again, just in case you didn't catch it the first time. A TERRORIST FIST JAB. Thank God he didn't do the "exploding pound" thing or they'd probably think Obama was trying to recreate 9/11 with sign language.
• Jerramy Stevens provides a living example of all that is wrong with class, fame and sports in America (NOTE: This article is both really long and really well done. It's a good read, but not something you can simply skim through). Stevens escaped prosecution for rape because of his status as a star football player for the University of Washington, and was punished lightly (if at all) for other offenses he committed. The fact that those of considerable status, and not just athletes, receive preferential treatment is not a new story. However, the sequence of events depicted in this article is completely despicable. A young woman has been scarred for life, and has failed to see justice because people wanted a team to win a game. Absolutely shameful. As a frustrating addendum, half the reader comments slag the Times for publishing the column, as, to these people, supporting UW football is more important than anything else, and exposing criminal actions is worse than actually committing them.
• I swear, if McCain vetoes just one beer, I am outta here. Actually, he could veto Genessee Cream Ale and I would have no problem. That stuff is gross.

Totally Psyched About High Gas Prices

So I normally deal with issues that infuriate me on Wednesdays, but I had to save this gem for today. If you aren't familiar with Neil Cavuto, he is a Fox News anchor. He hosts a business show that rarely, if ever, deals with business. He is a jackass. Last week, he churned out an article castigating environmentalists, who, apparently, love it when things are expensive. As an environmentalist, I figured I would be able to provide a response, and decided to break Cavuto's article down, FJM-style.

'Arrogant' Environmentalists Love to Preach, But Do They Feel the Pain at the Pump?

Lemme answer this one. Yes. Yes we do. End of article.

"Arrogant" — there's no other word for it.

Ooh. I bet we environmentalists love arugula, too. Love it. Lettuce is for suckers, anyway. Good thing this article doesn't have any semblance of arrogance.

wait

Arrogant to dismiss high gas prices and say they should be higher. That maybe that'll teach us and maybe get us conserving, or using more fuel efficient cars, or maybe not using cars at all.

Higher fuel efficiency and conservation!? How dare we suggest things that would, um, save money on gas.

Environmentalists who insist it will do us good, even as it's costing us a good penny. 

Kind of like Republicans (like Cavuto) who say the war in Iraq is doing us good, even as it is costing us a pretty penny. Not to mention all the lives lost, as well. 

Kind of like that, right? OOOH BURN

Who say they feel our pain when they don't. 

Right, because my car runs on dreams and farts. Oh wait, no, it runs on gasoline.

Who sympathize for our adjustments, but won't adjust themselves.

How, exactly, are environmentalists not willing to adjust to changing gas prices? Oh, I see what he is doing here... 

Look, I can make stupid unfounded statements, too:

Neil Cavuto says he hates terrorism, but he also made passionate love to Osama Bin Laden wile burning the American flag.

Usually they live in cities 

Seeing as over eighty percent of the US population lives in urban areas, this is a valid assumption.

and know little of long commutes or how expensive those commutes can be. 

They don't drive very much. Don't seem to get out very much. Don't seem to relate to folks who do, day in and day out.

Nope. We stay cooped up inside our homes every day. Don't get out ever. Because environmentalists hate fun.

Folks who commute long distances, not because they want to, but because they have to. 

Folks unlike Neil Cavuto, who, as a prominent member of a powerful media group, is probably wealthy as all get-out and can afford to live wherever the hell he pleases and thus choose whether or not to have a long commute.

Also, I love when commentators pander to "working Americans" by using the word "folks". Keep your eye out for this in the future.

And because they don't have the luxury of public transportation, 

Wait, have you ever taken public transportation before? The last word that ever came to mind when I rode the T or the bus (w00t 57) was "luxury". "What's that smell?" often came to mind, but never "luxury".

or a car that runs on wind, 

I think what you were looking for here is "sailboat". No one takes a sailboat to work. Except pirates.

or the hot air of the leftist who lectures them.

OH HA HA GOOD ONE CAVUTO YOU GOT ME

No, these folks — average folks, good folks, regular folks — they have to work for a living. 

Right, we environmentalists do not work. We create money out of the ether solely by complaining. I wish I knew that, as a environmentalist, I didn't have to work. I would have quit my job a long time ago.

Not lecture people on what they should do while they're living.

Which is exactly what Neil Cavuto does for a living and is doing in this article.

Easy to say, they can deal. Easy to say, they can adjust.

Actually, I bitch about gas prices and money all the time.

It's easy to say, "it's easier than you think" when it's not.

I'd like to clean their air and say this to environmentalists who in some perverted fashion seem to relish this pain at the pump: You're a pain in the ass. 

Let me resort to 8-year-old speak here. Takes one to know one. 

You know what is a pain in the ass? Ignorant assholes like Neil Cavuto who pretend to be a working-class stiff while making millions of dollars. Assholes who think oil CEOs are justified in receiving 400 million dollar severance packages while gas prices skyrocket. Fuck off, you stupid, phony, piece of shit.

Save your trite lectures for those who can afford them. 

Like Neil Cavuto.

Not a nation of hard-working, traveling Americans who cannot.

Yup, I've always associated travel with poverty, too.

So what was the point here, exactly? Don't do things that are good for the environment because people work hard? Gas prices are high, but not for environmentalists? Millionaires feel the pain of the working class?

Oh, I've figured it out. The central theme of Cavuto's piece was "Neil Cavuto is a douchebag".

He did a great job of supporting it. 

WTF, World: Volume XXV (SPECIAL END OF DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY EDITION)

The hills are alive...

With the sound of bitching...

You betcha, it's yet another "WTF, World" Wednesday.

And here come the links.

• The biggest news this week has been Obama's apparent victory in the Democratic primary. As I am a bleeding-heart-lefty-commie-pinko, I'll obviously be pulling for the man in the fall, but, honestly, I don't think he has a snowball's chance in hell to become president (FOR GOD'S SAKE PROVE ME WRONG, AMERICA). Why? Because people are stupid. I'm not trying to insinuate that all McCain supporters are idiots, because that isn't the case. It does seem, however, that a ton of voters will be voting McCain for utterly ridiculous reasons. Case in point a South Dakotan who apparently thinks that Obama is a terrorist because, according to the woman, his former church (which is of the Christian persuasion, mind you) was all about the Koran and he doesn't wear a flag lapel pin all the time (WHAT). So her dumbass vote cancels out your educated one. And then there's the "I supported Hillary and Obama beat her so I can't possibly vote for him" folks. In my opinion, they're just as bad. Policy-wise, Obama and Clinton are pretty fucking similar. So if you were all gung-ho about Clinton and can't possibly fathom* backing Obama this November, you are a moron. For an example, we have Harriet Christian, who is "all for civil rights" as long as no uppity n-word tries to become president. After claiming to be the farthest thing from a racist (I would guess the actual farthest person would have to be Tiger Woods, as he is Caublasian), she goes on to state that "99 percent of blacks don't know why they're voting for [Obama]." What was that about not being racist? Moreover, Christian's complete abhorrence of Barack, despite the previously mentioned similarities between he and Clinton, indicates that she only supported Hillary because she was a white female (or will not vote for Obama because he is a black male). Her stupid vote doubly cancels out yours. As does that of former VP candidate Geraldine Ferraro who claims Obama is "very lucky" to be a black male (keep in mind he is "lucky" enough to be part of a demographic where over 10 percent of those between the age of 25-29 are incarcerated). And then there's the plain old racist jackasses who are anti-Obama because they are, well, racist. Guess what? Your vote has been cancelled yet again! Beyond this we have those who completely believe hoax emails and/or casually watch Fox News (for some reason Fox needed to put up a picture of Obama next to Ahmadinejad when the story was about the Iranian president pushing for a meeting with THE POPE). This is all before taking into consideration the people who will be voting for McCain for legitimate reasons. So forgive me if my outlook isn't that rosy.

*SIDE NOTE: Based on previous posts, one may think I would fall into the opposite of this category, where I would have supported Obama but not voted for Hillary had she won the primary. This isn't the case (and not in the Harriet Christian way where you say one thing and then do the opposite). Had Obama lost, I would have ponied up a vote for Clinton in the fall, no problem. Hell, my candidate (John Edwards, which I guess makes me both sexist AND racist) fell out of the race early, so I've been prepared to support "whoever wins the democratic primary" for months.