Totally Psyched About High Gas Prices

So I normally deal with issues that infuriate me on Wednesdays, but I had to save this gem for today. If you aren't familiar with Neil Cavuto, he is a Fox News anchor. He hosts a business show that rarely, if ever, deals with business. He is a jackass. Last week, he churned out an article castigating environmentalists, who, apparently, love it when things are expensive. As an environmentalist, I figured I would be able to provide a response, and decided to break Cavuto's article down, FJM-style.

'Arrogant' Environmentalists Love to Preach, But Do They Feel the Pain at the Pump?

Lemme answer this one. Yes. Yes we do. End of article.

"Arrogant" — there's no other word for it.

Ooh. I bet we environmentalists love arugula, too. Love it. Lettuce is for suckers, anyway. Good thing this article doesn't have any semblance of arrogance.

wait

Arrogant to dismiss high gas prices and say they should be higher. That maybe that'll teach us and maybe get us conserving, or using more fuel efficient cars, or maybe not using cars at all.

Higher fuel efficiency and conservation!? How dare we suggest things that would, um, save money on gas.

Environmentalists who insist it will do us good, even as it's costing us a good penny. 

Kind of like Republicans (like Cavuto) who say the war in Iraq is doing us good, even as it is costing us a pretty penny. Not to mention all the lives lost, as well. 

Kind of like that, right? OOOH BURN

Who say they feel our pain when they don't. 

Right, because my car runs on dreams and farts. Oh wait, no, it runs on gasoline.

Who sympathize for our adjustments, but won't adjust themselves.

How, exactly, are environmentalists not willing to adjust to changing gas prices? Oh, I see what he is doing here... 

Look, I can make stupid unfounded statements, too:

Neil Cavuto says he hates terrorism, but he also made passionate love to Osama Bin Laden wile burning the American flag.

Usually they live in cities 

Seeing as over eighty percent of the US population lives in urban areas, this is a valid assumption.

and know little of long commutes or how expensive those commutes can be. 

They don't drive very much. Don't seem to get out very much. Don't seem to relate to folks who do, day in and day out.

Nope. We stay cooped up inside our homes every day. Don't get out ever. Because environmentalists hate fun.

Folks who commute long distances, not because they want to, but because they have to. 

Folks unlike Neil Cavuto, who, as a prominent member of a powerful media group, is probably wealthy as all get-out and can afford to live wherever the hell he pleases and thus choose whether or not to have a long commute.

Also, I love when commentators pander to "working Americans" by using the word "folks". Keep your eye out for this in the future.

And because they don't have the luxury of public transportation, 

Wait, have you ever taken public transportation before? The last word that ever came to mind when I rode the T or the bus (w00t 57) was "luxury". "What's that smell?" often came to mind, but never "luxury".

or a car that runs on wind, 

I think what you were looking for here is "sailboat". No one takes a sailboat to work. Except pirates.

or the hot air of the leftist who lectures them.

OH HA HA GOOD ONE CAVUTO YOU GOT ME

No, these folks — average folks, good folks, regular folks — they have to work for a living. 

Right, we environmentalists do not work. We create money out of the ether solely by complaining. I wish I knew that, as a environmentalist, I didn't have to work. I would have quit my job a long time ago.

Not lecture people on what they should do while they're living.

Which is exactly what Neil Cavuto does for a living and is doing in this article.

Easy to say, they can deal. Easy to say, they can adjust.

Actually, I bitch about gas prices and money all the time.

It's easy to say, "it's easier than you think" when it's not.

I'd like to clean their air and say this to environmentalists who in some perverted fashion seem to relish this pain at the pump: You're a pain in the ass. 

Let me resort to 8-year-old speak here. Takes one to know one. 

You know what is a pain in the ass? Ignorant assholes like Neil Cavuto who pretend to be a working-class stiff while making millions of dollars. Assholes who think oil CEOs are justified in receiving 400 million dollar severance packages while gas prices skyrocket. Fuck off, you stupid, phony, piece of shit.

Save your trite lectures for those who can afford them. 

Like Neil Cavuto.

Not a nation of hard-working, traveling Americans who cannot.

Yup, I've always associated travel with poverty, too.

So what was the point here, exactly? Don't do things that are good for the environment because people work hard? Gas prices are high, but not for environmentalists? Millionaires feel the pain of the working class?

Oh, I've figured it out. The central theme of Cavuto's piece was "Neil Cavuto is a douchebag".

He did a great job of supporting it.