I Fail to Understand How Turtles Could Gain Basic Karate Skills

I've found that when you deconstruct anything, and I mean absolutely anything, it loses its luster. Jokes become unfunny, and things we saw as magical when we were children turn into absolute dreck.

I suppose what I'm trying to say here is that, in retrospect, the Ninja Turtles were pretty stupid.

I came to this realization when I went to a friend's house the other week and caught the last 20 minutes of "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze" (or, to those of us in the know, TMNT II: TSotS). I recall being very excited when this movie was released. I wasn't the only one, seeing as these guys came back to the silver screen "by bodacious demand."

Those are some ominous looking hand shadows. Also, group poops are awkward.

I remember very little about the film's plot, except that the turtles faced off against Shredder and the Foot again and Vanilla Ice was involved somehow. And since this is a blog that mentions Vanilla Ice, I am contractually obligated to say something along the lines of THE 90'S LOL.

Anyway, back to those last 20 minutes. It was while watching them I realized the Turtles were stupid.

Don't get me wrong. I loved (and to some degree, still love) those turtles. I was even Donatello for Halloween. Look:

By the way, candy tasted WAY better coated with green facepaint.

So during their epic showdown with Shredder/The Foot, the Turtles find themselves in a sticky situation, and have some trouble fighting their way out of it. All the while, they never use their weapons. I found myself yelling at the screen, "LEONARDO, JUST STAB THEM WITH YOUR GIGANTIC SWORD!" But he did not. He just got punched in the face or something by some other mutated animal which somehow learned karate through the mutation process. "STAB THEM WITH YOUR SWORD!" But he wouldn't listen. He was inside the TV and could not hear me. I forgot where I was going with this, but I think the last 20 minutes of the movie did a better job proving I was stupid than that the Turtles were.

Still, the whole concept of TMNT and its success boggles my mind. Picture yourself as the executive of some sort of media company. Now imagine someone makes this pitch to you:

"Okay, so there are these turtles, right? But bigger. Like people-sized."

Okay, giant turtles. This could be some sort of cool sci-fi stuff. Like the Creature from the Black Lagoon or something.

"But they are like humans, too. And they know karate."

Wait, what?

"They talk like surfers or something. One says 'cowabunga' all the time. They live in the sewer."

What is a "cowabunga"?

"So they are teenagers and they eat pizza all the time. Because, you know, they're teenagers"

You lost me at "cowabunga". I also fail to understand how turtles could learn basic karate skills.

"And they're named after famous artists from the renaissance."

We're talking about turtles, right?

"Ooh. I almost forgot the best part. Their leader is both stereotypically Japanese and a GIANT RAT."

Get the fuck out of my office.

"Wait, but I didn't tell you about Shredder and the Foot!"

Now, I have heard less crazy things from the Chili Guy. But not only did someone in media think this was a great idea, but we all ATE IT UP. The Ninja Turtles left the nation in a green-coated happy haze. They are still popular today. And yet the whole concept is utterly ridiculous. It boggles the mind. Teenaged human-sized turtles who know karate, eat pizza, say "cowabunga", are named after artists, and answer to a giant rat worked like gangbusters for my generation.

I guess stupid sells. It worked for me.