Friday, March 14, 2008

Five Completely Loathsome Movie Characters

So I was initially going to call this one "The 5 MOST Loathsome Movie Characters", but I realized I'd probably think of like a dozen worse ones as soon as I finished writing (if you can think of some, feel free to post them in the comments section). 

I kind of have a love/hate relationship with loathsome characters. They always piss me off (as should be expected), but always manage to suck me into their respective movies. I used to watch "Rich Girls" on MTV for this reason. These characters are among the cream of the crop. I the one factor that binds them together is that they each are completely realistic; we see people like this all the time, and we can relate our experiences in real life to those of each film's protagonists. So these guys are specifically loathsome for that reason. 

Enough. Let's get started.

Bill Lumbergh, "Office Space"



I hate him more and more every time I have to go into work on a weekend or am forced to work extra hours during the week. We all probably do. We all probably also have to do the equivalent of "TPS Report" bullshit work, too, and Lumbergh-like people are the ones responsible for it. I suppose Lumbergh is the embodiment of annoying busywork, and the his irritating nature is a reflection of our frustration at spending hours and hours working on nonsense assignments.

Or maybe it's his stupid suspenders.



Let's break his actions into positives and negatives.

NEGATIVES: He tries to prevent Shaun from talking to his ex-girlfriend, even though a zombie apocalypse has commenced. He puts little effort into acting like a zombie when it is completely necessary to prevent the group from being devoured. He is in his current relationship solely to get closer to Shaun's girlfriend. He attempts to shoot Shaun. He is a mincing prick.

POSITIVES: He is ripped apart and devoured by zombies.

About even, I'd say.

Any Character Tea Leoni Plays, "Any Movie Tea Leoni is in"

I think every Tea Leoni character can be summed up as follows:

/does something stupid
/screams

Yeah, that's pretty accurate.

Benjamin, "Wayne's World"


Benjamin is explained best by Garth Algar. "Benjamin is nobody's friend. If Benjamin were an ice cream flavor, he'd be pralines and dick." I couldn't possibly build on that.

Sack Lodge, "Wedding Crashers"


Sack is easily my least favorite character in any movie, ever. I hate him so, so much. He is one of the few characters that actually cause me to yell at the screen (and not in the "LOOK OUT BITCH HE RIGHT BEHIND YOU" horror movie way). I know all kinds of people like him, who will, say, spend their weekends working at a soup kitchen, and then be a complete asshole the rest of the time, as if their charity work banks karma or something. I'm getting all worked up just thinking about him right now. You may think he gets his comeuppance at the end when he is dumped and is cold-cocked by Vince Vaughn (a.k.a. "famous Scott"), but I disagree. I think he should be sent to the prison from Oz and blinded/shat on by Tobias Beecher.

On the other hand, he is the cause of the "Sack lunch. Numnumnumnumnum." line, which never fails to make me laugh. That doesn't make up for the fact that he is a complete and utter asshat.

2 comments:

Mathemagician said...

The Warden from "Shawshank Redemption". Self-righteously religious and a completely corrupt asshat at the same time.

\favorite movie

Anonymous said...

I've got a couple; firstly, Doyle Lonnegan in "The Sting," and then here's a real box-office smash: Raymond Calitri from "Gone in 60 seconds." for some fun ones, Judith Fessbeggler from "Saving Silverman"
and Uncle Rico from "Napoleon Dynamite." Oh, Longshanks from "Braveheart" works pretty well, too.