A Nostradamus-Like Look Into 2008

Well, it's the end of another year, and the cold days of December will yield to the equally cold days of January. And what better way to celebrate the new year than by offering up some predictions for the major stories of 2008?

March

• The writers' strike finally ends after the producers finally cave, as they can no longer wait any longer to find out what will happen on "Lost." However, work begins with the caveat that all other good shows must be cancelled and replaced with forensic dramas or boring formulaic sitcoms. CSI:ICU premieres, with impressive ratings.

June

• Jamie-Lynn Spears's baby is born, and its father is revealed to be fellow former Nickelodeon star and "Legends of the Hidden Temple" host Kurt Fogg. The baby is captured by the dreaded Temple Guards and imprisoned in the Hidden Temple less than a week after its birth. Unfortunately, the Red Jaguars are unable to save the child, as they cannot construct the three-piece silver monkey statue (they lack the mental skill to figure out that it goes legs-body-head) within the allotted time. The Jaguars still manage to win Bushnell Tracker Binoculars and a pair of British Knights sneakers. Jamie-Lynn is compensated for the loss of her child with a trip to Space Camp.

July

• In order to one-up her sister in celebrity scandals, Britney Spears allows one of her children to drunk-driver her to her latest custody hearing. Britney's mother, Lynne's, book on parenting is finally released, although the publisher changes its title to "How to Parent in Bizzarro World, Where Everything is Opposite."

August

• In order to provide some relief for the massive heat wave ravaging large parts of the country AND curb illegal immigration, President Bush proposes the construction of a dual purpose enormous air conditioner/people barrier to be constructed along the Mexican border in Texas. As to the effects of the massive amount of heat also generated by the air conditioners, Bush states "That's Mexico's problem."

October

• The World Series is won by either the Yankees or Red Sox in the most predicatble fall classic ever. Meanwhile, 75 percent of the Orioles are caught violating baseball's steroid policy. Penalties are relaxed, however, as this news makes it evident that steroids do not improve a player's performance in any way.

November

• The team of Hillary Clinton and John Edwards narrowly defeats Rudy Giuliani and his Vice Presidential candidate, 9/11 on Election Day. A furious Sean Hannity claims "THE TERRORISTS HAVE WON!" before spontaneously combusting on-air. Ann Coulter continues to be a bitch.

December

• After finally learning the true meaning of Christmas, Dick Cheney's heart grows three sizes bigger. However, this is the result of a serious health condition, and not of a Dr. Seuss-like story, and he is rushed to the hospital. Scott cannot think of anything good to write, and decides to make predictions for next year.

WTF, World: Volume VI

We're going back in time today and making it a "WTF Wednesday". The space-time continuum will never be the same.

And now the links.

• Remember how millions of our tax dollars went towards teaching only abstinence to young folk instead of informing them about the virtues of condoms? Well that worked out spectacularly (Even Fox News has reported this). Poor Jamie-Lynn Spears. If only she had been properly educated before she put out. Actually, the real victim may be her mother, whose book about parenting was put on hold following the news of her daughter's pregnancy. Good call by the publishers there.
• We shouldn't subsidize poor children's healthcare because OUR CIGARETTES WOULD BE TOO EXPENSIVE. Glad to see our President has his priorities in check. At this point, our country seems a bit like the plot of "The Producers." Think about it. Say, like in 2000, a democratic strategist thought that it would be a good idea for Bush to win the Republican bid because everything he touches turns to shit, paving the way for an easy Dem victory. Only people end up loving Bush and elect him to two terms. As President, he's still the anti-Midas, but AW HOW CAN WE STAY MAD AT THAT FACE.
• I-35 is, apparently, some sort of holy road planned originally in the Bible. Funny, I thought the Eisenhower administration was behind it all. Evangelical Christian groups are using the highway as a launching pad for a "purity siege", which includes eliminating homosexuality through prayer. You know what? Being "filled up by the Holy Ghost" sounds pretty gay, too, so you better watch yourself. Also, purity siege people, how about you spend your time praying for and putting your energy into helping sick people, or the starving, or the homeless or something, instead of freaking out about trivial stuff. There's that whole "priorities" thing again.

Quick-Hitters, 12/21

As an added holiday bonus, I'm throwing in some links today. These shouldn't be frustrating ones like those on Wednesdays. So it's time to stuff your internet stocking with something other than porn.

Still, think of this as the worst Christmas present you've ever received.

• A late winner for the "Most Amusing Celebrity Story," award this year, in my opinion, is the Jamie-Lynn Spears pregnancy. Several funny things came out of this, including the fact that her parents are named Jamie and Lynne, respectively. The best part, however, is that now Nickelodeon may broadcast a sex-ed show. You better believe I'm DVRing that bad boy.
• When I was younger and the Celtics were awful, and I wasn't willing to take the leap and buy an Eric Montross jersey (like my friend Dave's brother), Gary Payton became my favorite player. I was psyched when he finally ended up with the Celtics a few years ago, even though he was an old man and most of his skills on the defensive end left him, and I was even at the Fleet Center when he scored his 20,000th point. Now he's expressed interest in coming back to Boston. I'm still excited, even though he's old enough now that his only major contribution to the team will be in the form of a distinct Ben-Gay odor. 
• Hey, speaking of forgotten basketball players, here's a highlight reel of Dana Barros. It's 12 seconds long and features a layup and a jump shot. sorry about the spoilers.
• And then there's this. I can't really describe it, but it's fantastic.
• Lil' Ronnie just got harsher. I think this is why the terrorists want to kill us.

Enjoy. Happy Holidays.

'Tis the season to be sharing, Fred.

Christmas has kind of an odd impact on people, and every year during this time, we're exposed to things running the gamut from awful to awesome.

This juxtaposition is present almost everywhere. On TV, there are great shows and movies like "A Charlie Brown Christmas" mixed with awful tripe like "The Santa Clause 18: Christmas Coup" (I think this is the one where the elves attempt to overthrow Santa, and just when they're about to execute Tim Allen he is saved by Richard Karn and Scrooge McDuck or something). On the radio, "Do They Know It's Christmas" is countered by uber-dramatic Josh Groban. In stores, people give generously to bell-ringing Salvation Army volunteers and then get into rugby scrums over dolls and action figures (thus spawning Festivus). Beautiful and horrible all in one. Christmas is, by far, my favorite holiday and the season is my favorite time of year. But there are some things about it that just need to change.

I think that the real despicable thing about Christmas season nowadays is the incessant bitching about the "War on Christmas," where secular liberals like myself are, supposedly, trying to eliminate the holiday and kill God. Political pundits spend hours on this topic, spewing hatred and creating divisiveness in a time of year where, normally, warmth and togetherness are paramount. One can't say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas," because doing so makes 8-pounds 6-ounces baby Jesus cry.  According to these pundits, taking the nativity off the town hall lawn ruins Christmas for everyone and ultimately results in the disappearance of the holiday from our lives. 

Honestly, if your enthusiasm for Christmas hinges solely on whether or not public buildings display religious symbols, it's time to rethink your priorities. Barring agents sliding down the chimney to stop us, keeping the public sphere secular isn't going to wipe the holiday off the map. This is largely because, despite the fact that over a billion worldwide hold the similar beliefs that spawned it, Christmas is a very personal holiday, celebrated by families, friends, and individuals. Yes, most Christians commemorate Christmas because it represents the birth of our lord, but, to me, Christmas holds meaning even beyond that.

So what does Christmas mean to me? Personally, I think it's a time of year to express care and affection more genuine than the schmaltz of Valentine's Day. Sorry to sound all sappy, but if you look around during Christmas, love is everywhere (Not just the OOOH I'M IN LOVE stuff from chick flicks. I'm thinking more of the "how good parents feel about their children" way). If you're looking at Christmas from a strictly religious standpoint, Christmas is the day God expressed his love for all of us. It's right there in John 3:16 (Yes, I'm quoting scripture. I can't believe it either):

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son..."

Oh, and that guy Jesus, he preached love as well. Love your neighbor or something like that. I'm no theologian, but I'm pretty sure Jesus was all about caring.

Even if you don't really have anything to do with religion on Christmas, the holiday still involves affection somehow. Think of your favorite Christmas memories. If they're of some special gift you received once upon a time, guess what? Whoever gave you that gift did so because they genuinely care for you and wanted to make you happy. Maybe your best Christmas memory involves your family. I'm sure that whole "love" thing must come up there in some way, too. It's everywhere during Christmastime (Unless your best memory is of killing a hooker with a claw hammer, in which case you're WAY off in your interpretation of the meaning of Christmas). 

There is a reason the phrase "holiday cheer" exists. Christmas provides us with a time to be benevolent and generous to others without feeling vulnerable or embarrassed. Oftentimes we miss out on this and instead are petty towards others or annoyed by things we cannot control. The lack of "Merry Christmas" signs on city buildings isn't going to change the holiday's meaning, and it isn't going to remove Christmas from your personal life. Only you can do that. 

As Jay-Z so eloquently stated, "what you eat don't make me shit" (Talk about gospel!). How others deal with Christmas shouldn't have any bearing on its meaning to you. The significance of Christmas shouldn't be affected because the White House now displays a "holiday tree" instead of a Christmas one. Nor should the saying "happy holidays" be seen as an attempt to remove Christmas form your life. And just as gay marriage hasn't destroyed male-female wedlock, non-Christians' celebration of the holiday hasn't destroyed Christmas, either. Letting such things bother you only serves to affect your own life. Christmas will still go on. 

There is no war on Christmas. It only exists if you create it yourself.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

P.S. Oh, and if you are Jewish, happy week-after-Hanukkah. If you celebrate Kwanzaa, happy (merry?) Kwanzaa to you, too.

P.P.S. If you are wondering where the title of this article came from, look here. HO-HO-HO I'M HU-HU-HUNGRY!

WTF, World: Volume V

"WTF, World" Wednesdays. They're almost as good as the holiday classic "Jingle All the Way."

But not quite.

For your viewing pleasure, I've scrounged up an extended set of links for this week. Happy Holidays.

• In this week's "This man may be our next president" section, we have Rudy Giuliani. The linked article is quite lengthy, but it does an excellent job of providing some major reasons why he shouldn't be president. Rudy's kind of a loathsome fellow, don't you think? But wait... OMG 9/11 9/11 9/11 RUDY IS A HERO BECAUSE HE GOT UP THERE WITH THAT BULLHORN AND SAID THINGS 9/11 9/11!!!1111!!!9/11!!!

• There is something terribly wrong with this. Now I don't enjoy Rick Reilly's writing personally, but, then again, neither does anyone else I know. I'm not doubting his credentials or skills as a writer here. Still, for 3.4 million bucks each year, his articles better come with a free flying car. Even the low estimate for his projected salary ($400K/yr) is ridiculous money for someone who writes between 500-1,000 words per week. Evidently there's an audience for him somewhere. I guess there's some land where people just eat up mildly-but-not-really-funny human interest pieces about golf or America's pastime (racism and pie) or some other bubkis. Then again, I shouldn't talk. I just delved into the all-important subject of "The Guy Who Wrote the Songs for TGIF." However, I am also compensated for this to the tune of zero dollars, so it evens out.

• The more dangerous 10-year olds we can put behind bars the better, I say. This story must have involved the perfect storm of douchebags, as these people had nothing better to do than to prosecute a child to the fullest extent of the law. Jeez, McNulty went after Stringer Bell in The Wire with less voracity. The whole situation is absolutely insane to me. Nowhere in the chain of command did anyone say "It's a 10-year old cutting food, we'll be okay" and let it slide. Nope, they had to haul her ass off to juvie and charge her with a felony. And our schools are now a little bit safer.

• An even bigger threat to public safety than 10-year olds is baggy clothes. I know sagging looks stupid, but wasting our tax money and officers' time policing peoples' pants is even more ridiculous. The people of Delacambre, Louisiana don't feel the same way, however. Good luck with that.

• It being Christmas season and all, it's time for conservatives to flip out over the so-called "War on Christmas." We lost a lot of good men in that war. This year, former White House spokesperson Tony Snow has extended this war to a more ominous "WAR ON GOD" (dun dun dunnnnn). As far as I understand, God has declared war on people like me, who work at colleges (and therefore MUST be heathens/atheists/sodomists) and believe in that whole "separation of church and state" thing. I'm screwed in this war because God can shoot lightning bolts and stuff, and what am I gonna do, chemistry him?

Jesse Frederick: The Mozart of His Generation

A more accurate description would be “Mozart: The Jesse Frederick of the ‘Powdered Wig’ Age,” but that implies I’d be writing about Mozart. Anyway, to the meat of the article we go.

So at this point, it’s fairly obvious that I’m coming back this week with yet another music-related topic. However, the titular man is immensely more talented than anyone in Queen. I’m talking about Jesse Frederick, here, folks!

Who is Jesse Frederick, you ask?

Why he’s the man who brought you the music behind this, this, this, and this. He's the greatest songwriter of our or any other time. Who else could have provided the tunes to match Balki holding up an "America or Burst" sign? John Williams, you say? Well maybe, but he would never have ended the "Full House" song with "BA-DOOBA-DO-BAP-BA-DOW," so there. 

Jesse even wrote the theme song to Meego, which means he was connected to Bronson Pinchot on no less than three occasions (and wrote the themes for every show Urkel would ever appear in). 

When I was little, I, and millions (that's right, MILLIONS) of other children would be exposed to some sort of Jesse Frederick product four times each Friday night. And yet almost nobody has any idea who the hell he is. Honestly, back when I was a kid, I thought the theme to "Step by Step" was performed by P. Duffy, Suzanne Somers, and the rest of the cast. As to who wrote the song, I guess I figured it was Bo Jackson or something. In fact, I pretty much chalked everything up to Bo at the time, probably because BO KNOWS.

But it was Jesse. One man. Four songs. Well, maybe three. "Full House" and "Family Matters" are pretty similar.

His songs were absolutely perfect for the show intros. He knew that the music should swell just as the fake ocean completely overtakes the bottom of the rollercoaster at the end of the "Step By Step" theme song (This actually happens. Watch for it at the end of the YouTube link and thank me later.) And he had the wherewithal to include the lyrics "Nothing's gonna stop me now..." into the theme to a show prominently featuring Mark Linn-Baker, who, after the sitcom ended , went on to star in, well, pretty much nothing. Evidently, being in "Perfect Strangers" is gonna stop you now.

These songs' lyrics struck a chord with the common man. "Whatever happened to predictability? The milkman, the paperboy, even TV!" Right on, my good man! It made so much sense that these meaningful words were paired with "Full House," where plot twists flew at you from all angles. You never could figure out whether or not Danny was going to sit down with one of the kids/Joey/Jesse at the end of the episode and dispense a hug and some sort of sagely advice. 

Wait. You could. The answer was yes. Always. 

There was that time Joey punched Stephanie in the nose, though. Didn't see that coming. 

Today, Jesse Frederick doesn't receive a single dollar in royalties for any of his TGIF theme songs, even though "Full House" is played on ABC Family Channel a seemingly impossible amount of times every day. Amazingly, he has only released one album, a self-titled one, in 1971. I haven't heard it, but I'm sure it's awesome. I wonder if he'll remaster it, because, you know...

"We'll make it better... The second time around."

HAHAHA I KILL MYSELF SOMETIMES

In all seriousness, we may make fun of all these songs, but, like them or not, they are deeply ingrained in our popular culture. Jesse Frederick has accomplished something most of us will never do. We may not know or remember his name, but Jesse's creations have stood the test of time and wriggled the way into our hearts. And I'm sure that when I'm senile and in a retirement home sometime in my twilight years, I'll be rocking back and forth, singing

STANDING TAAAAALLLL

ON THE WIIINGS OF MY DREEEEAMMS

WTF, World: Volume IV

Comedy, explosions, sex appeal... It's "WTF, World" Wednesday.

Oh, and just ignore the erroneous day-of-week above. Today is not Tuesday. 

Anyway, onward to the links.

• This link (from the excellent News Hounds) delves into so much that is so wrong with, well, everything. For instance, we environmentalists are truly evil, as explained by a Fox News panelist. "The environmentalists' real motivation is to reduce human population because they hate humans. They value plant life more." It's those kind of comments that make me hate humans and value plant life more. Another great little tidbit: one in five americans can't find the US on a world map. These are likely the same people who don't know Rhode Island is a state, and who aren't sure whether or not the world is flat (and may host NATIONAL TELEVISION SHOWS). And lastly, shouldn't news programs be focused less on skewering political opponents and more on, well, news? 

• And yet another RW-based link: A science director for the Texas Education Authority was asked to resign by her superiors because she did not hold "neutral" views on evolution (she is pro-evolution, and was eventually fired for "other reasons"). Evidently they want someone who is less scientific in charge of children's science education. Makes sense.

• Mike Huckabee may be the next president. This means trouble if you happen to be gay or have AIDS (sucks to be you, Africa). On the positive side, if he does become president, feel free to rape at will. You'll be paroled and free to murder anyone before you can even say "incarceration."

Deconstructing Queen's "Don't Stop Me Now"

One of the enduring memories from my first job is my co-worker's absolute refusal to listen to any song performed by Queen. It was not always this way for him. At the beginning of the summer, he would, like the rest of our crew, rock out to tunes like "Fat Bottom Girls" with reckless abandon. However, a few weeks into our job (cleaning roadsides, aka "The High Life"), said coworker discovered Freddie Mercury was gay, and as he was of the "we meet in tents and I can't wait for Armageddon" religious persuasion, his Queen-listening days were over. From then on, whenever anything by the band came on the radio, we were forced to change the station.

Now, ignoring the obvious "WTF!? He refused to listen to Queen because Freddie Mercury was gay?" reaction, perhaps an even more shocking revelation was that a semi-grown man had absolutely no idea Freddie Mercury was gay in the first place. Obviously, there was a time in my own life where I didn't realize he was gay either, but, then again, I was like 5 and had no idea how a penis worked. I mean, had my coworker (we'll call him "Tom") never actually seen the man? If gaydar was a real thing, it would make some comical WOOP WOOP WOOP sound and explode if scanned over ol' Freddie. Moreso, even if Tom had absolutely no previous Freddie Mercury experience, all he would have to do would be to listen to the lyrics to pretty much any Queen song to figure out which way Freddie swung. 

On that note, I think I'll break down one of my favorite songs, "Don't Stop Me Now", for the reading/listening public.

Tonight I'm gonna have myself a real good time

I feel alive 

And the world I'll turn it inside out yeah

I'm floating around in ecstasy

So don't stop me now

Don't stop me

'cause I'm having a good time 

Having a good time...

So if I hadn't mentioned earlier that this was a Queen song, at this point, you'd probably mistake it for something by Gloria Gaynor. Or from the dominant wrestling tag team/singing duo The Weather Girls, who famously predicted men raining from the skies. Despite their name, they kind of sucked at predicting the weather.

I'm a shooting star leaping through the sky

Like a tiger defying the laws of gravity

That analogy may be a bit of a stretch. I don't think shooting stars leap. Scott Bakula leaps. Also, to the best of my knowledge, things can't defy the laws of gravity. This is particularly true for tigers.

I'm a racing car passing by like Lady Godiva

I'm gonna go go go there's no stopping me

So is the racing car naked or something? Is he naked whilst driving? I guess I shouldn't question the logic here, because YOU CANNOT STOP FREDDIE MERCURY.

I'm burning through the sky yeah

Two hundred degrees that's why they call me Mr. Fahrenheit

Listen, if you were burning through anything, you would probably want to be a bit hotter than two hundred degrees, particularly if measured on the Fahrenheit scale. That's not even hot enough to boil water at sea level. I suppose if he was at that temperature somewhere higher up in the atmosphere he could boil water, but, still, I definitely wouldn't look up and say "Damn, that dude is burning through the sky." Oh, and I'm not going to make the easy joke here. Wait, yes I will. OMG FREDDIE MERCURY WAS A FLAMER LOL.

I'm travelling at the speed of light

NO YOU ARE NOT THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE

I wanna make a supersonic man out of you

This is probably the gayest line in music history. Or maybe he was just referring to Colonel Guile from Street Fighter II. SONIC BOOM

Don't stop me now 

I'm having such a good time

I'm having a ball 

Don't stop me now

If you wanna have a good time

Just give me a call

So don't stop me now

'cause I'm having a good time

Don't stop me now 

Yes I'm having a good time

I don't wanna stop at all

I'm only going to stop you if you try to make a "supersonic man" out of me. 

I'm a rocket ship on my way to Mars

On a collision course

I am a satellite 

I'm out of control

I don't know what he is getting at here, besides being in outer space and possibly smashing into stuff. I kind of picture him here as a big mechanical Keith Moon floating around the Milky Way and driving his space Rolls-Royce into the Jetsons' pool.

I'm a sex machine ready to reload

Like an atom bomb about to oh oh oh oh oh explode!

Let's just move on.

I'm burning through the sky yeah

Two hundred degrees that's why they call me Mr. Fahrenheit

I'm travelling at the speed of light

I wanna make a supersonic woman of you

Okay, now I'm confused. Supersonic woman? Maybe I was wrong. Maybe he wasn't gay. I should give Tom a call and tell him that it's okay to listen to Queen again.

Don't stop me don't stop me, don't stop me hey hey hey!

Don't stop me don't stop me ooh ooh ooh

I like it

Don't stop me don't stop me

Have a good time good time

Don't stop me don't stop me

ohhhhhhh!

I think we just wandered into him having sex. For God's sake, next time leave a damn sock on the door and this won't happen.

ohhhhhh

I'm burning through the sky yeah

Two hundred degrees that's why they call me Mr. Fahrenheit

I'm travelling at the speed of light

I wanna make a supersonic man out of you

Nope. Definitely gay. Gotta call Tom back. He's probably going to hell now that he listened to "Killer Queen". I guess it's too late.

Don't stop me now 

ooh I'm having such a good time

I'm having a ball 

Don't stop me now

If you wanna have a good time

(come on) Just give me a call

Don't stop me now

'cause I'm having a good time

Don't stop me now 

Yes I'm having a good time

I don't wanna stop at all

lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalaaaaaaaalala

Freddie Mercury passed away in November of 1991, a day after he publicly announced that he had tested positive for HIV and had AIDS. He was arguably one of the most talented singers in rock music history, and his vocal talents have been enjoyed by millions. Queen may have produced as many awful songs as they did great ones over the years, but it is sad that there are many people out there who discount Freddie's talent and refuse to listen to him simply because of his sexual orientation.

However, if you knock him for "Princes of the Universe" instead, I can totally understand.

WTF, World: Volume III

Earlier this week, I was appealed to take a minute out of my busy day and think about giving to the poor and needy. 

I had no idea Boston University was so badly-off. 

And so begins another installment of "WTF, World", your Wednesday guide to all the crap you wish didn't happen.

• Listen, it's okay that Neo-Nazis are infiltrating our military and prepping for the coming "race war" (My money's on a decisive joint Eskimo/Narwhal victory). Just make sure no gays sign up, because, you know, buttsex is icky. I think the most poignant, logical comment on the don't-ask-don't-tell policy has come from presidential hopeful and renowned asshat Mitt Romney, who noted the following:

"This is not that time [to let gay people serve]. We're in the middle of a war."

 

Bravo. Game, set, match, my good man.

• In the future, when kids write reports on objective journalism, they'll surely come across this giant in the industry. Of course, by Gibson's own estimation, those darned Hispanics will have out-birthed us Anglo-Americans by then, so those reports will be in Spanish. And probably written in flying cars, each packed with like 50 sombrero-wearing kids (OMG OFFENSIVE MEXICAN STEREOTYPE CARLOS MENCIA LOL. I GUESS I'M JUST TOO REEEAAL FOR YOU, HOMES).

• What's the matter with kids today? Oh, right. Rickets, caused partially by not enough outdoor exercise. Seriously, just go out and play like every other generation. If I see one more fat-assed munchkin sitting around playing a hand-held video game on a beautiful day, I'm going to lose it. You know kids have a problem when it is necessary to make "play outside" commercials (That linked PSA is probably my favorite commercial ever. Not to sound all sappy, but it always reminds me of the fun I had playing games outside as a kid. Plus, they're playing WITH THE DAMN SUN. And the song is awesome, too. I just can't say enough about that PSA. And yet it is only necessary because kids are lazy fatasses nowadays).