I Am Cursed

Let me explain.

First off, I have to say that my curse isn't some weird sort of deadly one, like in that Stephen King story/film "Thinner." If you haven't seen/read it, the story goes as follows:

This fat dude is getting roadhead and accidentally mows down a Gypsy woman, killing her. The woman's father, who is understandably upset and just happens to be a VERY POWERFUL SHAMAN (which movies have taught me is the case for all old Gypsy men), curses said fat dude so that he keeps getting thinner and thinner, regardless of how much he eats. Eventually, the (formerly) fatty is able to convince the old Gypsy to transfer the curse to the world's most threatening item, A PIE. Instead of destroying the pie by methods other than eating, which would be entirely logical, he feeds it to his cheating wife (who has low standards, as evidenced by the aforementioned roadhead incident). She fails to eat the whole thing, however, (OOOH OMINOUS FORESHADOWING), and fatty puts the pie back into the fridge, not wanting to waste baked goods. Unfortunately for him, his daughter also accidentally eats a piece, because, you know, who doesn't love pie? 

I think the moral of the story was that Gypsy (or Romani, if you will, but I won't) people should learn to not jaywalk.

Anyway, back to my own personal curse. It's tough to talk about, because the gravitas of the situation is unbearable, but I'll give it a try...

Nearly every TV show I like will be prematurely cancelled. 

The proof is in the pudding. "Arrested Development" (best show ever, in my opinion), "The Knights of Prosperity", "The Black Donnellys", "Life on Mars", and "Keen Eddie" (I could be here all day, so I'll quit there), among others, have all been cut off before their time. I think "30 Rock" will likely be added to that list, as its path seems oddly similar to that of "Arrested Development". On the positive side, I have been lucky enough that "The Office" has survived and is still funny. Still, it seems the vast majority of the shows I like are doomed for failure (Look out, "Carpoolers" and "Pushing Daisies"!).

It makes sense, though, because lord knows we need more time for recaps of "Dancing with the Stars" and 3-hour blocks of "Ugly Betty" and "Grey's Anatomy." Also, 3 CSI shows is definitely not enough. I can't wait for CSI: Dubuque to premiere in 2009. I've heard it's going to revitalize Mark-Paul Gosselaar's career.

Honestly, I can't really figure out why some of these shows got the boot. Is something like "Journeyman" (ironically, a poor version of the superb "Life on Mars") really a more viable show than "The Black Donnellys"? I've certainly never met anyone who has excitedly run up to me and asked anything like "OMG DID YOU SEE 'JOURNEYMAN' LAST NIGHT? HE WENT BACK IN TIME AND THERE WERE ZACK MORRIS CELLPHONES AND MWEEEEEEEEH..."

(Yes, I realize that is the second Zack Morris reference in this piece. I need to get a life.)

Likewise, it doesn't seem that the populace is rising up with a huge "Thank Jesus!" to Fox for throwing the money they would have spent on "Arrested Development" into useless pap like "'Til Death." 

Actually, I'm wrong here. The great American public has risen up. With their remotes. Overwhelmingly so, in fact.  Whenever a smart, funny show comes on the screen, the bulk of America evidently says "Screw this, it's time for 'Are you smarter than a 5th grader?'" and changes the channel. Sadly, for most of those people, the answer to that show's title is "No." These are the same people who sell out Carlos Mencia shows (I guess he's just too REEEEAAAL FOR MEEEEE, HOMES). I could start casting lightning bolts right now with a statement like "...and this is why Bush was elected to two terms," but there is another time and place for such rhetoric. 

This is why the Writers' Guild isn't in the best of positions with their strike. While shows that require coherent writing are on hold, producers can just fill up our nights with "Celebrity Fart Contest" or "Synchronized Swimming with the Stars," and America will eat it up.

The viewer will still miss two types of shows during the strike, however: crime dramas and hospital-based shows. Think of all of these on the air right now (ER, Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice, House, 3 each of CSI and Law & Order, the list goes on and on...). Based on these trends, I've come up with my own guaranteed smash hit...

It's a crime drama set in a hospital. I've been racking my brain to come up with a title, and the best I've come up with so far has been "CSI:ICU." I also thought maybe we could run the two abbreviations together so make one thing like "CSICU," but that kind of looks like a chat meme from a 12-year-old's AIM convo.

dirtbikesrfun: hi school musical rulz

hannamontanaluvr: O RLY?

dirtbikesrfun: ;)

hannamontanaluvr: CSICU

dirtbikesrfun: lol ur sn sez "anal"

hannamontanaluvr: brb chris hansen is here

hannamontanaluvr: /is a 40 year old man

And our children are a little bit safer.

So it seems that the colon is entirely necessary in the title. Anyway, the show will feature this group of cops who specialize in hospital murders, as well as the doctors at that hospital. There's gotta be some sort of romantic tension between one of the doctors, who is good looking but is clumsy and has absolutely no self esteem, and a police officer who is a total beefcake but has no sense of humor, and who, whenever he arrives at a crime scene, needs to slowly take off his sunglasses and say "My God." He needs to be given a nickname by the doctors like "Officer McStudley," too. The murders always need to be exceedingly gruesome and the killer always needs to have some sort of weird MO. Like in one of the episodes the murderer makes earrings from his victims' eyeballs or something. Oh, and in the pilot, the good-looking-but-no-self-esteem doctor wants to ask McStudley on a date, but OH NO SHE IS THE CHIEF SUSPECT.

My God.