We Called It Haterade

Last weekend, I think my father and I watched perhaps a bazillion hours of college basketball between the two of us. At times we had three or four games working at once (thank you, Cox Cable). However, when Duke played West Virginia on Saturday, our attention remained fixed on a single game.

Neither of us have any relation to Duke or West Virginia (other than that WV point guard Joe Mazzulla is from Rhode Island and I am thus contractually obligated to support him and his team). And yet we threw our support behind the Mountaineers like we were John Denver or something. This is because, like the bulk of the country, we hate Duke.

They're kind of like the opposite of America's Team. Don't believe me? Check the internet. It never lies. This year, there have been about 6.02x10^23 posts (including this one) that basically say something to the tune of DUKE SUCKS LOL. 

This widespread hatred, historically, hasn't been confined just to Duke. Just over the last dozen or so years, the Patriots, Lakers, Yankees, Cowboys (maybe this was just me) and Manchester United, just to name a few, have experienced the same animosity. I remember celebrating Luis Gonzales's bloop single in the 2001 World Series as if my own team had won it. I don't even like the Diamondbacks.

Why does everyone loathe Duke so much? Well, it could be that the Crazies act like a bunch of attention-hogging assclowns, or that the players flop more than the Italian soccer team. Or it could be their stupid faces. 

I think it comes down to overexposure. The team, Coach K, and the fans see more air time than most pilots (BA-ZING!). ESPN crams the Cameron Crazies down our throats and treats them like the greatest fans in the world. We've constantly heard about how amazing Duke players are, even though most of them, at best, will end up like Trajan Langdon (also, J.J. Reddick is a douchelord). But when you think about it, are their fans or players any worse than those at other colleges? I remember kids who painted their faces and looked like asses (By the way, being loud helps your team WAY more than painting your face and/or body. To the athletes, odds are you just look like a blur of [insert team's colors] anyway.) at our hockey games at BU, and yet we weren't generally hated

Wait. We were. Bad example.

Still, these people are there at pretty much every school. To a small degree, the floppers aren't limited to the Blue Devils' squad, either. Duke isn't different enough from most other colleges to engender all that hatred. But you know, what, we hear about Duke all the time, and that's annoying as hell. In the entertainment world, the same phenomenon is present. Think of the backlash against Juno, a perfectly enjoyable movie. Or that whole Ben Affleck-J-Lo thing. I don't know if the animosity towards the couple was necessarily for their actions or for the fact we had to hear about them all the damn time. It's the same thing for Duke.

Or maybe this is why they suck.

So next time you see Duke on TV, it may be good to step back and think and

OH GOD I HATE THEM SO MUCH

WTF? No "WTF, World?"

Yeah, to continue the downward spiral of disappointment, there will be no "WTF, World" this week. I've been out on the Cap'n Bert all week and haven't had the chance to provide you (could be singular OR plural!) with the links you love to hate.

There will be a new post this Friday, however.

By some miracle, I haven't been seasick yet. YET.

If You're Thinking of Going to Grad School...

Don't.

That's my entry for today. I'll post something real next week when, hopefully, my urge to smash subsides.

!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!

It'll probably be about hating on Duke basketball.

WTF, World: Volume XVIII

"WTF, World" Wednesdays: The internet's version of the NIT.

And now for the links...

• A thanks to Dave Cohen for providing this gem featuring an Oklahoma state representative who rates homosexuality as worse than terrorism. So, I guess, while terrorism results in the deaths of innocent people, homosexuality may involve buttsex (or buttsecks to you internet folk), which is just ICKY. Waaaay worse. One would think hailing form an area that has been hit by a terrorist attack would smarten her up. I guess not.
• A message to all you kill-kill-kill vehement war hawks out there: DON'T GO CRAZY SUPPORTING THE WAR IF YOU AREN'T WILLING TO FIGHT IN IT. And no, being a veteran of the "war of ideas" back home doesn't count as service. Assholes like this piss me off. At the beginning of the war, a columnist in my college's newspaper used to write every week slamming anyone who opposed the war. When a letter suggested he join the armed forces, he noted that he needed to stay in America to ideologically do battle against us weenie liberals. He was a douche, and so is Jason Mattera.
• Looks like we're going to end up with yet another president who has no idea what the fuck is going on. Way to go, McCain.

Five Completely Loathsome Movie Characters

So I was initially going to call this one "The 5 MOST Loathsome Movie Characters", but I realized I'd probably think of like a dozen worse ones as soon as I finished writing (if you can think of some, feel free to post them in the comments section). 

I kind of have a love/hate relationship with loathsome characters. They always piss me off (as should be expected), but always manage to suck me into their respective movies. I used to watch "Rich Girls" on MTV for this reason. These characters are among the cream of the crop. I the one factor that binds them together is that they each are completely realistic; we see people like this all the time, and we can relate our experiences in real life to those of each film's protagonists. So these guys are specifically loathsome for that reason. 

Enough. Let's get started.

Bill Lumbergh, "Office Space"

I hate him more and more every time I have to go into work on a weekend or am forced to work extra hours during the week. We all probably do. We all probably also have to do the equivalent of "TPS Report" bullshit work, too, and Lumbergh-like people are the ones responsible for it. I suppose Lumbergh is the embodiment of annoying busywork, and the his irritating nature is a reflection of our frustration at spending hours and hours working on nonsense assignments.

Or maybe it's his stupid suspenders.

David, "Shaun of the Dead"

Let's break his actions into positives and negatives.

NEGATIVES: He tries to prevent Shaun from talking to his ex-girlfriend, even though a zombie apocalypse has commenced. He puts little effort into acting like a zombie when it is completely necessary to prevent the group from being devoured. He is in his current relationship solely to get closer to Shaun's girlfriend. He attempts to shoot Shaun. He is a mincing prick.

POSITIVES: He is ripped apart and devoured by zombies.

About even, I'd say.

Any Character Tea Leoni Plays, "Any Movie Tea Leoni is in"

I think every Tea Leoni character can be summed up as follows:

/does something stupid

/screams

Yeah, that's pretty accurate.

Benjamin, "Wayne's World"

Benjamin is explained best by Garth Algar. "Benjamin is nobody's friend. If Benjamin were an ice cream flavor, he'd be pralines and dick." I couldn't possibly build on that.

Sack Lodge, "Wedding Crashers"

Sack is easily my least favorite character in any movie, ever. I hate him so, so much. He is one of the few characters that actually cause me to yell at the screen (and not in the "LOOK OUT BITCH HE RIGHT BEHIND YOU" horror movie way). I know all kinds of people like him, who will, say, spend their weekends working at a soup kitchen, and then be a complete asshole the rest of the time, as if their charity work banks karma or something. I'm getting all worked up just thinking about him right now. You may think he gets his comeuppance at the end when he is dumped and is cold-cocked by Vince Vaughn (a.k.a. "famous Scott"), but I disagree. I think he should be sent to the prison from Oz and blinded/shat on by Tobias Beecher.

On the other hand, he is the cause of the "Sack lunch. Numnumnumnumnum." line, which never fails to make me laugh. That doesn't make up for the fact that he is a complete and utter asshat.

WTF, World: Volume XVII

"WTF, World" Wednesdays: we don't forget that nobody cries funnier than Brett Favre.

Links are in their normal position.

• Hey, baseball season is back! Looking forward to seeing and hearing from people like this and this once again. It's these people who make me glad that I no longer live only a few blocks away from Fenway Park. On the other hand, I probably shouldn't be commenting here, as I am a huge soccer fan, and fan violence and soccer go together like [insert two things that commonly go together]. Or there's always HEY SCOTT YOU ARE JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE THE ORIOLES ARE BAD AT THE BASE BALL
• Good to see that USC is thinking outside the box and is giving basketball scholarships to kids who are both bad at basketball and rich enough not to need a scholarship. Well done there. I think my favorite part about the article is where, in chart form, the authors state that, while Demar DeRozan (a legit recruit) is often compared to LeBron James, Lil' Romeo most frequently draws comparisons to Lil' Bow Wow.
• So when you're making a movie criticizing how "big science" mutes those who push intelligent design over evolution (as it isn't science, it probably shouldn't be included in science curricula, but I digress), it may be a bit hypocritical to ban critics who might report unfavorably from your movie's screenings. I'm just saying.
• Businessweek gets to the table a little late with their article "Energy Efficiency: A Passing Fad?". I wonder if the people who wrote this still think the internet is a passing fad as well.

I Fail to Understand How Turtles Could Gain Basic Karate Skills

I've found that when you deconstruct anything, and I mean absolutely anything, it loses its luster. Jokes become unfunny, and things we saw as magical when we were children turn into absolute dreck.

I suppose what I'm trying to say here is that, in retrospect, the Ninja Turtles were pretty stupid.

I came to this realization when I went to a friend's house the other week and caught the last 20 minutes of "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze" (or, to those of us in the know, TMNT II: TSotS). I recall being very excited when this movie was released. I wasn't the only one, seeing as these guys came back to the silver screen "by bodacious demand."

Those are some ominous looking hand shadows. Also, group poops are awkward.

I remember very little about the film's plot, except that the turtles faced off against Shredder and the Foot again and Vanilla Ice was involved somehow. And since this is a blog that mentions Vanilla Ice, I am contractually obligated to say something along the lines of THE 90'S LOL.

Anyway, back to those last 20 minutes. It was while watching them I realized the Turtles were stupid.

Don't get me wrong. I loved (and to some degree, still love) those turtles. I was even Donatello for Halloween. Look:

By the way, candy tasted WAY better coated with green facepaint.

So during their epic showdown with Shredder/The Foot, the Turtles find themselves in a sticky situation, and have some trouble fighting their way out of it. All the while, they never use their weapons. I found myself yelling at the screen, "LEONARDO, JUST STAB THEM WITH YOUR GIGANTIC SWORD!" But he did not. He just got punched in the face or something by some other mutated animal which somehow learned karate through the mutation process. "STAB THEM WITH YOUR SWORD!" But he wouldn't listen. He was inside the TV and could not hear me. I forgot where I was going with this, but I think the last 20 minutes of the movie did a better job proving I was stupid than that the Turtles were.

Still, the whole concept of TMNT and its success boggles my mind. Picture yourself as the executive of some sort of media company. Now imagine someone makes this pitch to you:

"Okay, so there are these turtles, right? But bigger. Like people-sized."

Okay, giant turtles. This could be some sort of cool sci-fi stuff. Like the Creature from the Black Lagoon or something.

"But they are like humans, too. And they know karate."

Wait, what?

"They talk like surfers or something. One says 'cowabunga' all the time. They live in the sewer."

What is a "cowabunga"?

"So they are teenagers and they eat pizza all the time. Because, you know, they're teenagers"

You lost me at "cowabunga". I also fail to understand how turtles could learn basic karate skills.

"And they're named after famous artists from the renaissance."

We're talking about turtles, right?

"Ooh. I almost forgot the best part. Their leader is both stereotypically Japanese and a GIANT RAT."

Get the fuck out of my office.

"Wait, but I didn't tell you about Shredder and the Foot!"

Now, I have heard less crazy things from the Chili Guy. But not only did someone in media think this was a great idea, but we all ATE IT UP. The Ninja Turtles left the nation in a green-coated happy haze. They are still popular today. And yet the whole concept is utterly ridiculous. It boggles the mind. Teenaged human-sized turtles who know karate, eat pizza, say "cowabunga", are named after artists, and answer to a giant rat worked like gangbusters for my generation.

I guess stupid sells. It worked for me.

WTF, World: Volume XVI

"WTF, World": It's seen a million faces...

AND IT'S ROCKED 'EM ALL!

Now for the links:

• More and more parents today are preventing their kids from being vaccinated. Many of these people are concerned that these inoculations will give their children autism, ignoring the consensus in the scientific and medical community that there is no link between the disease and vaccines. All these parents seem to maintain that they are looking out for their children's health. I guess my parents weren't looking out for my best interests when they allowed me to be vaccinated throughout my youth, thus preventing me from coming down with measles, mumps, rubella, chicken pox, TB, polio, tetanus, diptheria, or hep A. Listen, I'm not doubting they aren't concerned for their kids, but come on, people. God forbid we actually listen to experts. I swear this country is edging closer and closer towards the scenario from Idiocracy. 
• Hey, there. We don't hate you because you're beautiful. We hate you because you're self-entitled bitches. It always astounds me that there are actually people who think like these two girls.
• Despite my love for universal health care, I am not a Hillary Clinton supporter (my man Edwards fell out of the race a long time ago, but that's beside the point). If it comes down to her-vs.-McCain, I'll be on her side, but begrudgingly so. She seems to have a personality that I just can't trust, and she comes off as someone who will do absolutely whatever it takes (in a bad way) to become commander-in-chief. I'm sure that comes off as sexist, but whatever. I'm not against having a woman as president, but I'm against having this woman as president. Big difference. "So, what is wrong with her?" I can her you, the imaginary reader, ask. Well, for starters, she insisted for years that she was named after Sir Edmund Hillary, despite being born six years before his summit of Everest. She also campaigned heavily in states where primary delegates were barred by the National Democratic Party (due to their bumping forward the date of their primaries), while the other candidates did not. Not surprisingly, she managed to win those states by a hefty margin. Now, she wants these delegates reinstated. A little dirty, there. And speaking of dirty... AAAH AAAAH AAAAAAAAAH MY BRAIN!
• Another election-related topic that has been getting under my skin lately has been the seemingly large number of people voting for Hillary Clinton simply because she is a woman. This isn't just limited to Hillary, either. I'm sure there are many out there who vote for Obama because he is black. Particularly white people who are especially keen to prove they aren't racist (and who are accurately portrayed on this site). If you are voting for either of these candidates for either of these reasons, you should not be able to vote, period. Vote for the person who would be best at the job. Actually, never mind that... I have developed the super candidate: Tyra Banks. Women would support her because she is a woman. Men would vote for her because she is hot. She'd get the vote from the black community and the "white people who are afraid of looking racist" contingent because she is black. And neocons would vote for her because she is an idiot. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.