The Madness Ends

1990's music videos. I had no idea there were so many. 

Let's get this over with, people,  and next week I can get back to bitching about television or Golden Grahams or something.

Spice Girls

"Wannabe"

How did this happen? Naming an album "Schubert Dip" was one thing, but the fact that the Spice Girls were (and still are) popular is astounding. I guess they caught the public's imagination with their lyrics. For example:

"I really really really wanna zig-a-zig-ha."

wait

I remember that these ladies were seen as symbols of "girl power," a phenomenon now known as "grrl power" because in the 2000s we do not need vowels in our words. How are the Spice Girls empowering? Is it because the kind-of-ugly one wears a sports bra everywhere? Or that the red-haired one posed nude before she was in the group? Or that they make me sound like a complete misogynist? I just don't know, but if I have a daughter I sure as shit aren't going to encourage her to become like the Spice Girls and bounce around a hotel singing (or, in the case of Posh Spice, not singing) about something mentioned in "All your Base are Belong to Us"

Unlike many of the other videos I've reviewed I encourage you NOT to watch this piece of garbage.

Right Said Fred

"I'm Too Sexy"

Two words: FALSE ADVERTISING. 

I noticed at the beginning of this video on MTV, no album was listed for the song. It seems Right Said Fred actively tried to become a one-hit wonder. Mission Accomplished, gentlemen.

This is one of those songs that an older generation steals from a younger one, like "The Macarena", "Mambo Number Five", or "911 Is a Joke", thus rendering it utterly uncool. Not that this was ever actually cool, but, then again, I was like seven when this came out, and I thought "Full House" was cool at the time, so I am not exactly the best judge. Anyway, odds are your grandma knows this song. And that is creepy. Just picture her singing "I'm too sexy for my cat. Oh, pussy, pussy cat". You can thank me and Right Said Fred for never being able to achieve sexual arousal ever again.

Also, note that I refrained from gay jokes here. Except for that one.

I MEAN COME ON THE GUY WEARS A MESH TANK TOP

House of Pain

"Jump Around"

Hey, a white guy is rapping? And he's Irish? And the word "jump" is involved? Looks like we have a song that will be played at every Celtics home game ever!

Everlast is putting out  a little K-Fed vibe with his look here. Not something you should strive for. And yes, I am completely aware that K-Fed was not even relevant at this time, but, nonetheless, the "sketchy white guy" look never works. Better than mesh tanks, but still, not good.

I remember that my high school football team used to play this song after every one of our wins during my last year on the team. We won three games that season. Possibly because listening to "Jump Around" was our reward for victory. Also because we sucked at football.

JOCK JAMS COUNT: 7

Mark Morrison

"Return of the Mack"

This is another one of those tunes that I liked back in the day. I may have even owned the cassingle. Now, all I can think of when I hear this song is "He can't say the word 'mack'." And it's true. He says "maah" EVERY TIME.

The real outstanding thing about this video is the appearance of Mr. Morrison himself. I think Giselle summed it up best with "He looks like a woman. Like a manly woman." And yet we are supposed to believe that he has the looks to pull the fine-assed model in this video. Maybe she is attracted to men with speech impediments.

This isn't a particularly remarkable video. It could easily be made today, but for the fact that Canary Wharf appeared to have like 2 buildings when this was filmed. Way to stand the test of time, Mark Morrison (Please ignore the fact that today noone knows who the hell Mark Morrison is). 

Ace of Base

"The Sign"

Nothing, NOTHING says "1990s" more than Ace of Base. What a way to finish the show. The video speaks for itself, from the big guy who does nothing but point and pout at the camera, to the other guy who does nothing but walk towards a fan, to the two chicks I used to have a crush on back in the day.

That is the 90's. Hair blowing in the wind and hot Swedish chicks.

JOCK JAMS COUNT: -6.02x10^23