Creative Editing: Tornado Stories

Tornadoes are horrible, and are responsible for countless tragedies. I don't know anyone who's pro-tornado, besides that jackass who is always yelling on "Storm Chasers", and maybe those sissy terrorist-lovin' liberals. The following is not, by any means, intended to make light of the recent destruction in Joplin, Tuscaloosa, or Springfield.

That being said, here's a way to turn tornado-related stories from "frightening" to "frighteningly AWESOME": substitute "giant drunk bear" for "tornado".

Example:

"A handful of cars that were in the giant drunk bear’s path quickly backed up, letting the animal cross over the roadway, they said. It tore up the roof of a house on the other side of the Pike, sending shingles into the air, and then spun into a wooded area, snapping trees as it went. Then the bear journeyed up a hill and disappeared into the distance."

Original story: boston.com

You're welcome.

When in the crap did it become "Hallowe'en"?

I, for one do not like the apostrophe, consarn it. And I don't care if it's 2 weeks late.

HE'S BACK! HE'S BACK!

This is the best news I have heard in some time.

There Goes the Jesus Vote

Neocons have managed to bring religion to the forefront of politics over the past decade. This is why, to much of America, things like Reverend Wright and whether or not Obama is Muslim (answer: he is not, and it shouldn't matter anyway) are seemingly as big issues as the economic collapse and the war in Iraq. In particular, many conservatives have expressed a will to turn America into a "Christian Nation", which would indicate that these people would want their leaders to follow Jesus's word.

Ironically, based on their stances on major issues, there is absolutely no way they would elect Jesus if he was around today. Don't believe me? Well check this out this sweet-assed and possibly entirely biased matchup.

JESUS: Love your neighbor as yourself (Okay, a lawyer said this in conversation with the J-man, but he totally agreed).

NEOCONS: Pfft. THEY TOOK OUR JOBS! Y'know what? We need to build a wall along the border to keep our neighbors to the south out.

JESUS: Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the Earth.

NEOCONS: Dirty commie. You better not be talking about income redistribution, there, pinko.

JESUS: Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.

NEOCONS: Bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb Iran. I sure hope the "peacemaker" to which he refers is some sort of missile.

JESUS: Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.

NEOCONS: We'll put a boot in your ass. It's the American way.

JESUS: Woe to you who are rich, for you have already received your comfort.

NEOCONS: More tax breaks for the rich! Repeal the estate tax!

JESUS: Blessed are you who are poor, for yours is the kingdom of God.

NEOCONS: The poor are only poor because they don't want to work hard. They deserve it. Stop taking our welfare, you lazy bastards.

Oh, Karl Rove would surely have a field day with Jesus in his run for the oval office (Jesus's vice president?  Zombie FDR). The spin machine would probably pick apart his quesitonable parentage. Fox News would talk about how his Sermon on the Mount pales in comparison to "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall...", and average folks would comment on how Jesus talks down to them. 

The result is a McCain/Palin landslide victory.

On the plus side, ZOMBIE FDR, PEOPLE.

Quick thoughts, part 2

Random thoughts:

--Well, the bar was lying on the ground and Gov. Palin successfully stepped over it without impaling herself as everyone expected. It was a major coup for the McCain campaign to secure a debate format in which the moderator couldn't actually force the candidates to answer the questions she asked. As for how it will actually play, I have a hard time believing that a lot of moderates are going to swing back right based on that performance, but it wasn't a nail in the coffin, either. In summary: disappointingly low on gaffes, substance, or effect on the race.

--While Joe Biden certainly answered more questions than the governor, to me it seemed like he tried a little too hard to seem "middle class". He actually said he hangs out in Home Depot a lot. Maybe that is the case, but still, WTF? Then again, the whole thing was a referendum on Palin, so it didn't matter especially what he said.

--Says Joe Cooter, "Is the vice presidential debate really an appropriate time to give a shout-out?"

--I found it absolutely hilarious to see Peggy Noonan back out there spinning for Palin even after this infamous live-mic debacle of a month ago.

--Maybe she didn't break down crying, but if you read the text of the debate, Gov. Palin's statement still frequently sound like "something rendered from the Finnish by Google Translate," as Hendrik Hertzberg put it.

--Who knew that "Bosniak" is actually a correct term?

--TPM also has a great 10 minute recap.

---Late Update---

The Sarah Palin debate flowchart

Some quick thoughts on yesterday's debate...

My normal post will be up later today, but, for now, I'd just like to express some thoughts regarding yesterday's debate.

-The McCain campaign has been using a successful and infuriating strategy over the last, well, however long the campaign has lasted. It goes like this: whenever McCain/Palin is asked a difficult question, he/she will talk about completely different topic, as if they heard a completely separate question. Palin pulled this ALL THE DAMN TIME last night. And people ate it up. Now everyone thinks she did a great job in the debate, even though she answered foreign policy questions by talking about soccer or "drill, baby drill" or her Down Syndrome baby or something. This, for some reason, makes the dumbasses out there think she is well-informed. McCain did the same thing on MSNBC yesterday when asked why he voted for the bailout if he was so opposed to it. This sure didn't fly in "Billy Madison" when Billy tried to relate the industrial revolution to "The Puppy Who Lost His Way". Yet we allow people who are trying to become ONE OF THE MOST POWERFUL PEOPLE IN THE WORLD to get away with it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

-How in the crap are Palin's down-home folksy sayings appealing? Do you really want a high-level public official speaking like that (and don't get me started on her voice)? Say she ends up speaking with an Iranian diplomat over their nuclear program (although the McCain ticket would probably want to change the words "speaking with" to "bombing")...

DIPLOMAT: We have a right to develop nuclear technology just as...

PALIN: Well golly-gee willikers, mister ay-rab. Say it ain't so. I have a Down Syndrome baby. When I go chat with other hockey moms and Down Syndrome baby parents about nuke-ular weapons they sure as sugar don't

/shoots a moose

-Biden did an awesome job, I think. He wasn't condescending, and he didn't put his foot in his mouth. That being said, he probably lost the debate because Sarah Palin's expectations were just so low. She could have just stood there and said something about a pit bull with lipstick for an hour and would have received rave reviews.

How I would score it (out of 5): Biden 4, Palin 2

Media reaction (except Fox): Biden 3, Palin 3

Fox reaction: Palin 6.02x10^23, Biden -1,000,001

Embarrassing Things I've Bought

Note: "Embarrassing Things I've Bought" is a bi-weekly feature where one of the IGW writers will talk about, well, an embarrassing thing he (it's a total sausagefest round these parts, so the "/she" is not necessary) has purchased. So here we go.

I have made countless stupid purchases in my life. Luckily, none have involved a sub-prime mortgage (BA-ZING!). For the most part, they involve some sort of media, be it an awful movie, a pathetic album, or a useless book.

Today I’m gonna go with The Brian Setzer Orchestra’s “The Dirty Boogie”, which, I believe, I bought in 8^th or 9^th grade. Mind you, if I was in 8^th grade, I did not have a real job, so I probably had to save up my allowance for this garbage. That is quite the sobering thought. After all that trouble, I must have listened to this album once (or possibly twice) before coming to the realization that it was eighty different types of lame.

Anyway, remember when swing music was popular? I do. Those were weird times, Weird times indeed. Swing music has got to be one of the dorkiest things (if not the dorkiest) to hit the music mainstream in the last several decades. It’s right up there with the Macarena, “Who Let the Dogs Out” and, well, anything involving 80’s new wave. Swing revival got people (including me) thinking zoot suits were cool. It gave white dudes who couldn’t dance to hip-hop (which his to say all white dudes) hope. I suppose that’s why it was so successful.

The name of this album, again, is “The Dirty Boogie”, which would make the Brian Setzer Orchestra sound dangerous if you had no idea who the fuck the Brian Setzer Orchestra is. Or if they didn’t have “Orchestra” in their band name. Or if they, for that matter, did not play swing music.

OH SHIT LOOK OUT THEY ARE SKILLED AT PLAYING MUSIC AARP LIKES THEY ARE SO UNSAFE FOR EAR CONSUMPTION

The only thing dangerous about these dudes is that there is a possibility someone’s grandma lost their virginity to a song they covered. And nobody wants that mental image. I hope that thought weighs heavily on mister Setzer’s conscience.

What I’m trying to say here is that this album is not good. It was a waste of fifteen bucks. I still have it in my CD collection. It is likely I will never listen to it again. So there you go.