There Goes the Jesus Vote

Neocons have managed to bring religion to the forefront of politics over the past decade. This is why, to much of America, things like Reverend Wright and whether or not Obama is Muslim (answer: he is not, and it shouldn't matter anyway) are seemingly as big issues as the economic collapse and the war in Iraq. In particular, many conservatives have expressed a will to turn America into a "Christian Nation", which would indicate that these people would want their leaders to follow Jesus's word.

Ironically, based on their stances on major issues, there is absolutely no way they would elect Jesus if he was around today. Don't believe me? Well check this out this sweet-assed and possibly entirely biased matchup.

JESUS: Love your neighbor as yourself (Okay, a lawyer said this in conversation with the J-man, but he totally agreed).

NEOCONS: Pfft. THEY TOOK OUR JOBS! Y'know what? We need to build a wall along the border to keep our neighbors to the south out.

JESUS: Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the Earth.

NEOCONS: Dirty commie. You better not be talking about income redistribution, there, pinko.

JESUS: Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.

NEOCONS: Bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb Iran. I sure hope the "peacemaker" to which he refers is some sort of missile.

JESUS: Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.

NEOCONS: We'll put a boot in your ass. It's the American way.

JESUS: Woe to you who are rich, for you have already received your comfort.

NEOCONS: More tax breaks for the rich! Repeal the estate tax!

JESUS: Blessed are you who are poor, for yours is the kingdom of God.

NEOCONS: The poor are only poor because they don't want to work hard. They deserve it. Stop taking our welfare, you lazy bastards.

Oh, Karl Rove would surely have a field day with Jesus in his run for the oval office (Jesus's vice president?  Zombie FDR). The spin machine would probably pick apart his quesitonable parentage. Fox News would talk about how his Sermon on the Mount pales in comparison to "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall...", and average folks would comment on how Jesus talks down to them. 

The result is a McCain/Palin landslide victory.

On the plus side, ZOMBIE FDR, PEOPLE.

Embarrassing Things I've Bought

Note: "Embarrassing Things I've Bought" is a bi-weekly feature where one of the IGW writers will talk about, well, an embarrassing thing he (it's a total sausagefest round these parts, so the "/she" is not necessary) has purchased. So here we go.

I have made countless stupid purchases in my life. Luckily, none have involved a sub-prime mortgage (BA-ZING!). For the most part, they involve some sort of media, be it an awful movie, a pathetic album, or a useless book.

Today I’m gonna go with The Brian Setzer Orchestra’s “The Dirty Boogie”, which, I believe, I bought in 8^th or 9^th grade. Mind you, if I was in 8^th grade, I did not have a real job, so I probably had to save up my allowance for this garbage. That is quite the sobering thought. After all that trouble, I must have listened to this album once (or possibly twice) before coming to the realization that it was eighty different types of lame.

Anyway, remember when swing music was popular? I do. Those were weird times, Weird times indeed. Swing music has got to be one of the dorkiest things (if not the dorkiest) to hit the music mainstream in the last several decades. It’s right up there with the Macarena, “Who Let the Dogs Out” and, well, anything involving 80’s new wave. Swing revival got people (including me) thinking zoot suits were cool. It gave white dudes who couldn’t dance to hip-hop (which his to say all white dudes) hope. I suppose that’s why it was so successful.

The name of this album, again, is “The Dirty Boogie”, which would make the Brian Setzer Orchestra sound dangerous if you had no idea who the fuck the Brian Setzer Orchestra is. Or if they didn’t have “Orchestra” in their band name. Or if they, for that matter, did not play swing music.

OH SHIT LOOK OUT THEY ARE SKILLED AT PLAYING MUSIC AARP LIKES THEY ARE SO UNSAFE FOR EAR CONSUMPTION

The only thing dangerous about these dudes is that there is a possibility someone’s grandma lost their virginity to a song they covered. And nobody wants that mental image. I hope that thought weighs heavily on mister Setzer’s conscience.

What I’m trying to say here is that this album is not good. It was a waste of fifteen bucks. I still have it in my CD collection. It is likely I will never listen to it again. So there you go.

The Great Debate: Paulson's Bailout and the Economy

Point: It is important that Congress pass Secretary Paulson's economic bailout plan, and that they do so quickly, before more damage can be done. 

A financial crisis is upon us. Many of our largest financial institutions have built upon the foundations of mortgages, fueled by the housing boom that happened earlier in the decade. As these foundations have collapsed, so too have the institutions. Lehman Brothers, Freddie and Fannie, Countrywide Financial, and AIG have all succumbed to the domino effect. As other companies try to sell off assets to pay off their mounting debt, these assets become less and less valuable. This creates a positive feedback loop pulling the whole market farther into the vortex. Secretary Paulson's plan is intended to counter this trend before it is too late. The government will act to buy up these assets, thus saving the institutions and restoring security to the market. 

It is vital that we act now on this plan so that more companies do not fall while we debate the particulars. Furthermore, there must be no punitive measures thrown in against these institutions, or they will be disinclined to take part in them. If Paulson is not rapidly given the authority to act with no obstacles to impede him, the consequences to our economy may be disastrous

Counterpoint: This plan smells of bullshit to me. This financial crisis has been brought on, to some degree, by these companies themselves, who have been managed by people too stupid to realize that the housing market would not boom into eternity. Now we are supposed to throw billions of taxpayer money at them to cover for their mismanagement. And fiscal conservatives fail to see the hypocrisy when they denounce welfare. Wonderful. We can help people out during tough times, just as long as they're rich.

Bailing these big corporations is unfair to every other business in America. A mom and pop store goes down? Aw, that's too bad. You get nothing. Another investment bank collapses next week (and I'm looking at you, Morgan Stanley)? Shucks, if only you had failed sooner, we could have given you money too, but, well, you also get jack squat. That seems totally fair.

Plus, we're supposed to just give these people the money without any stipulations? I suppose lack of regulation is what made big banks like these so wealthy in the first place… And then led to their spectacular failure.

Obviously, a lack of oversight is one of the driving forces behind our current economic collapse. So even if we are to bail out these behemoths, we're going to have to put some rules down to prevent these circumstances from happening in the future. Either that, or we could skip the buyouts, grant their initial wishes in keeping government out of business, and let them die by their own sword.

Incontinent Point: Economy-sized jugs of pineapples always confused me—what economy are they talking about? Isn't our economy way bigger than those by like trillions of dollars? But maybe the pineapples are the bigger one because economies are theoretical, and therefore something tangible is infinitely bigger? 

Nevertheless, a lot of times I find the savings at Costco to actually not be all that great. You figure a $50 buy-in for a membership is going to get you some serious deal-age, but then you end up leaving the store every time with $200 less is your pocket, and you say to yourself, WTF? When are all these great savings going to happen? 

And how the hell am I going to eat 40 pounds of shrimp before it goes bad? I mean, I know from Forrest Gump there's like a million ways to prepare it, but we really only hear like eight in the movie, and I secretly think they're mostly the same thing anyway. I mean, one of them is shrimp-on-a-stick. That's not a separate recipe, it's a separate utensil! Am I right? And I heard that shellfish can give you hepatitis, or Asperger's, or something? Shit! I probably should have gotten an economy-sized bag of cocktail sauce, too. Maybe I can just use this barrel of ketchup? 

So anyways, that's why I think the economy is confusing.