A Nostradamus-Like Look Into 2008

Well, it's the end of another year, and the cold days of December will yield to the equally cold days of January. And what better way to celebrate the new year than by offering up some predictions for the major stories of 2008?

March

• The writers' strike finally ends after the producers finally cave, as they can no longer wait any longer to find out what will happen on "Lost." However, work begins with the caveat that all other good shows must be cancelled and replaced with forensic dramas or boring formulaic sitcoms. CSI:ICU premieres, with impressive ratings.

June

• Jamie-Lynn Spears's baby is born, and its father is revealed to be fellow former Nickelodeon star and "Legends of the Hidden Temple" host Kurt Fogg. The baby is captured by the dreaded Temple Guards and imprisoned in the Hidden Temple less than a week after its birth. Unfortunately, the Red Jaguars are unable to save the child, as they cannot construct the three-piece silver monkey statue (they lack the mental skill to figure out that it goes legs-body-head) within the allotted time. The Jaguars still manage to win Bushnell Tracker Binoculars and a pair of British Knights sneakers. Jamie-Lynn is compensated for the loss of her child with a trip to Space Camp.

July

• In order to one-up her sister in celebrity scandals, Britney Spears allows one of her children to drunk-driver her to her latest custody hearing. Britney's mother, Lynne's, book on parenting is finally released, although the publisher changes its title to "How to Parent in Bizzarro World, Where Everything is Opposite."

August

• In order to provide some relief for the massive heat wave ravaging large parts of the country AND curb illegal immigration, President Bush proposes the construction of a dual purpose enormous air conditioner/people barrier to be constructed along the Mexican border in Texas. As to the effects of the massive amount of heat also generated by the air conditioners, Bush states "That's Mexico's problem."

October

• The World Series is won by either the Yankees or Red Sox in the most predicatble fall classic ever. Meanwhile, 75 percent of the Orioles are caught violating baseball's steroid policy. Penalties are relaxed, however, as this news makes it evident that steroids do not improve a player's performance in any way.

November

• The team of Hillary Clinton and John Edwards narrowly defeats Rudy Giuliani and his Vice Presidential candidate, 9/11 on Election Day. A furious Sean Hannity claims "THE TERRORISTS HAVE WON!" before spontaneously combusting on-air. Ann Coulter continues to be a bitch.

December

• After finally learning the true meaning of Christmas, Dick Cheney's heart grows three sizes bigger. However, this is the result of a serious health condition, and not of a Dr. Seuss-like story, and he is rushed to the hospital. Scott cannot think of anything good to write, and decides to make predictions for next year.