When in the crap did it become "Hallowe'en"?

I, for one do not like the apostrophe, consarn it. And I don't care if it's 2 weeks late.

HE'S BACK! HE'S BACK!

This is the best news I have heard in some time.

There Goes the Jesus Vote

Neocons have managed to bring religion to the forefront of politics over the past decade. This is why, to much of America, things like Reverend Wright and whether or not Obama is Muslim (answer: he is not, and it shouldn't matter anyway) are seemingly as big issues as the economic collapse and the war in Iraq. In particular, many conservatives have expressed a will to turn America into a "Christian Nation", which would indicate that these people would want their leaders to follow Jesus's word.

Ironically, based on their stances on major issues, there is absolutely no way they would elect Jesus if he was around today. Don't believe me? Well check this out this sweet-assed and possibly entirely biased matchup.

JESUS: Love your neighbor as yourself (Okay, a lawyer said this in conversation with the J-man, but he totally agreed).

NEOCONS: Pfft. THEY TOOK OUR JOBS! Y'know what? We need to build a wall along the border to keep our neighbors to the south out.

JESUS: Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the Earth.

NEOCONS: Dirty commie. You better not be talking about income redistribution, there, pinko.

JESUS: Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.

NEOCONS: Bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb Iran. I sure hope the "peacemaker" to which he refers is some sort of missile.

JESUS: Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.

NEOCONS: We'll put a boot in your ass. It's the American way.

JESUS: Woe to you who are rich, for you have already received your comfort.

NEOCONS: More tax breaks for the rich! Repeal the estate tax!

JESUS: Blessed are you who are poor, for yours is the kingdom of God.

NEOCONS: The poor are only poor because they don't want to work hard. They deserve it. Stop taking our welfare, you lazy bastards.

Oh, Karl Rove would surely have a field day with Jesus in his run for the oval office (Jesus's vice president?  Zombie FDR). The spin machine would probably pick apart his quesitonable parentage. Fox News would talk about how his Sermon on the Mount pales in comparison to "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall...", and average folks would comment on how Jesus talks down to them. 

The result is a McCain/Palin landslide victory.

On the plus side, ZOMBIE FDR, PEOPLE.

Quick thoughts, part 2

Random thoughts:

--Well, the bar was lying on the ground and Gov. Palin successfully stepped over it without impaling herself as everyone expected. It was a major coup for the McCain campaign to secure a debate format in which the moderator couldn't actually force the candidates to answer the questions she asked. As for how it will actually play, I have a hard time believing that a lot of moderates are going to swing back right based on that performance, but it wasn't a nail in the coffin, either. In summary: disappointingly low on gaffes, substance, or effect on the race.

--While Joe Biden certainly answered more questions than the governor, to me it seemed like he tried a little too hard to seem "middle class". He actually said he hangs out in Home Depot a lot. Maybe that is the case, but still, WTF? Then again, the whole thing was a referendum on Palin, so it didn't matter especially what he said.

--Says Joe Cooter, "Is the vice presidential debate really an appropriate time to give a shout-out?"

--I found it absolutely hilarious to see Peggy Noonan back out there spinning for Palin even after this infamous live-mic debacle of a month ago.

--Maybe she didn't break down crying, but if you read the text of the debate, Gov. Palin's statement still frequently sound like "something rendered from the Finnish by Google Translate," as Hendrik Hertzberg put it.

--Who knew that "Bosniak" is actually a correct term?

--TPM also has a great 10 minute recap.

---Late Update---

The Sarah Palin debate flowchart

Some quick thoughts on yesterday's debate...

My normal post will be up later today, but, for now, I'd just like to express some thoughts regarding yesterday's debate.

-The McCain campaign has been using a successful and infuriating strategy over the last, well, however long the campaign has lasted. It goes like this: whenever McCain/Palin is asked a difficult question, he/she will talk about completely different topic, as if they heard a completely separate question. Palin pulled this ALL THE DAMN TIME last night. And people ate it up. Now everyone thinks she did a great job in the debate, even though she answered foreign policy questions by talking about soccer or "drill, baby drill" or her Down Syndrome baby or something. This, for some reason, makes the dumbasses out there think she is well-informed. McCain did the same thing on MSNBC yesterday when asked why he voted for the bailout if he was so opposed to it. This sure didn't fly in "Billy Madison" when Billy tried to relate the industrial revolution to "The Puppy Who Lost His Way". Yet we allow people who are trying to become ONE OF THE MOST POWERFUL PEOPLE IN THE WORLD to get away with it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

-How in the crap are Palin's down-home folksy sayings appealing? Do you really want a high-level public official speaking like that (and don't get me started on her voice)? Say she ends up speaking with an Iranian diplomat over their nuclear program (although the McCain ticket would probably want to change the words "speaking with" to "bombing")...

DIPLOMAT: We have a right to develop nuclear technology just as...

PALIN: Well golly-gee willikers, mister ay-rab. Say it ain't so. I have a Down Syndrome baby. When I go chat with other hockey moms and Down Syndrome baby parents about nuke-ular weapons they sure as sugar don't

/shoots a moose

-Biden did an awesome job, I think. He wasn't condescending, and he didn't put his foot in his mouth. That being said, he probably lost the debate because Sarah Palin's expectations were just so low. She could have just stood there and said something about a pit bull with lipstick for an hour and would have received rave reviews.

How I would score it (out of 5): Biden 4, Palin 2

Media reaction (except Fox): Biden 3, Palin 3

Fox reaction: Palin 6.02x10^23, Biden -1,000,001

Embarrassing Things I've Bought

Note: "Embarrassing Things I've Bought" is a bi-weekly feature where one of the IGW writers will talk about, well, an embarrassing thing he (it's a total sausagefest round these parts, so the "/she" is not necessary) has purchased. So here we go.

I have made countless stupid purchases in my life. Luckily, none have involved a sub-prime mortgage (BA-ZING!). For the most part, they involve some sort of media, be it an awful movie, a pathetic album, or a useless book.

Today I’m gonna go with The Brian Setzer Orchestra’s “The Dirty Boogie”, which, I believe, I bought in 8^th or 9^th grade. Mind you, if I was in 8^th grade, I did not have a real job, so I probably had to save up my allowance for this garbage. That is quite the sobering thought. After all that trouble, I must have listened to this album once (or possibly twice) before coming to the realization that it was eighty different types of lame.

Anyway, remember when swing music was popular? I do. Those were weird times, Weird times indeed. Swing music has got to be one of the dorkiest things (if not the dorkiest) to hit the music mainstream in the last several decades. It’s right up there with the Macarena, “Who Let the Dogs Out” and, well, anything involving 80’s new wave. Swing revival got people (including me) thinking zoot suits were cool. It gave white dudes who couldn’t dance to hip-hop (which his to say all white dudes) hope. I suppose that’s why it was so successful.

The name of this album, again, is “The Dirty Boogie”, which would make the Brian Setzer Orchestra sound dangerous if you had no idea who the fuck the Brian Setzer Orchestra is. Or if they didn’t have “Orchestra” in their band name. Or if they, for that matter, did not play swing music.

OH SHIT LOOK OUT THEY ARE SKILLED AT PLAYING MUSIC AARP LIKES THEY ARE SO UNSAFE FOR EAR CONSUMPTION

The only thing dangerous about these dudes is that there is a possibility someone’s grandma lost their virginity to a song they covered. And nobody wants that mental image. I hope that thought weighs heavily on mister Setzer’s conscience.

What I’m trying to say here is that this album is not good. It was a waste of fifteen bucks. I still have it in my CD collection. It is likely I will never listen to it again. So there you go.

Odds-Making: The Veepstakes

Another new feature of this blog is "Odds-making", in which we predict the likelihood of whatever topical nonsense comes to mind. This week's focus:

The Vice Presidential Debate
Odds that Senator Biden laughs out loud at something his opponent says: 1:5

Over/Under on number of incomplete sentences from Governor Palin: 12

Odds that Sen. Biden reminds us that he takes the train to work everyday: 2:3

Odds that the McCain campaign tries to have the debate delayed/canceled once again due to the economic situation: 1:4

Over/Under on the number of times Gov. Palin attempts to mask the fact she doesn't know how to answer by turning up the old folksiness: 4

Over/Under on number of times Sen. Biden put his foot in his mouth: 2

Over/Under on number of answers Gov. Palin gives on her own without relying upon an obvious talking point: 3

Odds that Gov. Palin bursts into tears: 1:150

Odds that Sen. Biden goes to facepalm at some point: 1:6

Odds that both sides declare victory afterward: 10:1

Odds that Gov. Palin attempts to field-dress Sen. Biden: 1:20,000

Odds that the disastrous Katie Couric interview was actually all a plan to lower expectations, and Gov. Palin impresses in the VP debate: 1:20

Odds that things go even worse for Gov. Palin in the VP debate than in the Couric interview: 1:2

Odds that Gov. Palin will again make the case that her state's proximity to Siberia constitutes foreign policy experience: 1:3

Odds that Sen. Biden brings it up for her: 2:1

Over/Under on number of erroneous statements by Sen. Biden corrected by factcheck.org: 5

Over/Under on number of erroneous statements by Gov. Palin corrected by factcheck.org: 6

Odds that Tina Fey will make her third straight appearance on SNL mocking Gov. Palin's performance: 2:1

Odds that Gov. Palin makes reference to Sen. Biden's hair plugs: 1:151

Odds that the debate causes an IGW contributor to cry himself to sleep: 1:9

Eclexia Strikes Back

I'll be writing a bi-weekly column on IGW entitled Eclexia, with topics ranging from electoral math to Boston Red Sox theories and beyond. Today, a short column on my new job:



This year, I'll be working at a residential school that serves 8-12 year-olds with extreme behavioral problems. Basically, I'll try to stop six of the worst kids in the state from killing each other. During the orientation, I asked if there were any success stories. The answer:

"Well, I ran into a former resident a few years back. He works on and off changing people's oil. Still lives with his mom when he's not kicked out, on and off drugs, in and out of jail for a range of smaller crimes. But he hasn't molested anybody yet. It's a world of small victories, here."

The Great Debate: Paulson's Bailout and the Economy

Point: It is important that Congress pass Secretary Paulson's economic bailout plan, and that they do so quickly, before more damage can be done. 

A financial crisis is upon us. Many of our largest financial institutions have built upon the foundations of mortgages, fueled by the housing boom that happened earlier in the decade. As these foundations have collapsed, so too have the institutions. Lehman Brothers, Freddie and Fannie, Countrywide Financial, and AIG have all succumbed to the domino effect. As other companies try to sell off assets to pay off their mounting debt, these assets become less and less valuable. This creates a positive feedback loop pulling the whole market farther into the vortex. Secretary Paulson's plan is intended to counter this trend before it is too late. The government will act to buy up these assets, thus saving the institutions and restoring security to the market. 

It is vital that we act now on this plan so that more companies do not fall while we debate the particulars. Furthermore, there must be no punitive measures thrown in against these institutions, or they will be disinclined to take part in them. If Paulson is not rapidly given the authority to act with no obstacles to impede him, the consequences to our economy may be disastrous

Counterpoint: This plan smells of bullshit to me. This financial crisis has been brought on, to some degree, by these companies themselves, who have been managed by people too stupid to realize that the housing market would not boom into eternity. Now we are supposed to throw billions of taxpayer money at them to cover for their mismanagement. And fiscal conservatives fail to see the hypocrisy when they denounce welfare. Wonderful. We can help people out during tough times, just as long as they're rich.

Bailing these big corporations is unfair to every other business in America. A mom and pop store goes down? Aw, that's too bad. You get nothing. Another investment bank collapses next week (and I'm looking at you, Morgan Stanley)? Shucks, if only you had failed sooner, we could have given you money too, but, well, you also get jack squat. That seems totally fair.

Plus, we're supposed to just give these people the money without any stipulations? I suppose lack of regulation is what made big banks like these so wealthy in the first place… And then led to their spectacular failure.

Obviously, a lack of oversight is one of the driving forces behind our current economic collapse. So even if we are to bail out these behemoths, we're going to have to put some rules down to prevent these circumstances from happening in the future. Either that, or we could skip the buyouts, grant their initial wishes in keeping government out of business, and let them die by their own sword.

Incontinent Point: Economy-sized jugs of pineapples always confused me—what economy are they talking about? Isn't our economy way bigger than those by like trillions of dollars? But maybe the pineapples are the bigger one because economies are theoretical, and therefore something tangible is infinitely bigger? 

Nevertheless, a lot of times I find the savings at Costco to actually not be all that great. You figure a $50 buy-in for a membership is going to get you some serious deal-age, but then you end up leaving the store every time with $200 less is your pocket, and you say to yourself, WTF? When are all these great savings going to happen? 

And how the hell am I going to eat 40 pounds of shrimp before it goes bad? I mean, I know from Forrest Gump there's like a million ways to prepare it, but we really only hear like eight in the movie, and I secretly think they're mostly the same thing anyway. I mean, one of them is shrimp-on-a-stick. That's not a separate recipe, it's a separate utensil! Am I right? And I heard that shellfish can give you hepatitis, or Asperger's, or something? Shit! I probably should have gotten an economy-sized bag of cocktail sauce, too. Maybe I can just use this barrel of ketchup? 

So anyways, that's why I think the economy is confusing.

WTF, World: Special Toilet Edition

This week, on a very special "WTF, World"...

Scott spends his evening shoving a plumber's snake down a toilet to try to unclog the fucking thing and is therefore unable to write. 

Except for, you know, what I just wrote.

The Newsmaker Minute: Béla Károlyi

One of the shiny new features of the revamped I Got Words is the Newsmaker Minute. Every other Tuesday, the IGW staff will sit down with a topical celebrity and pick their minds on a range of issues. This week, the IGW staff interviewed Béla Károlyi, former Olympic gymnastics coach and current commentator for NBC.



I Got Words: Hi there, Mr. Károlyi. How are you adjusting to life since the Olympics ended? Do you feel a little like a kid on the day after Christmas?

Béla Károlyi: Hello there. I had recovered, but now my dreams again have been trampled by a thousand enraged rhinoceroses.

IGW: …You still feel that the women’s US team was robbed of the gold?

BK: No, no. This very morning, I discovered happiness once again. A magnificent halo of glorious wheat and rye fit for Zeus himself, sprinkled with heavenly bits of succulence! And gracing its crest, a rich and wonderful substance that must have come from the greatest bovines the world has ever seen!

IGW: … Béla, are you talking about a sesame bagel with cream cheese?

BK: But such a bagel with cream cheese! That first bite, I thought I was in heaven. An epic moment in eating, reminiscent of the greatest moments of your life, like the birth of your first child, or your first sniff of cocaine.

IGW: Wait, what—

BK: But then, tragedy! Oh, has anyone ever known such pain? My arm was cruelly bumped, and that heavenly hemisphere flew forth from my hands and fell to a terrible landing upon the floor. Had it landed on the other side, the performance might have been salvaged, but no! It came to rest face down.

IGW: Stuck the landing?

BK: Ah, I weep to remember--

IGW: Here’s a tissue…

BK: What might have been… What heights it could have climbed, we will never know!



At this point, Mr. Károlyi became inconsolable and we elected to terminate the interview. Hopefully, this segment will go better next time.

SLoth Speak: Montana, Land of Sci-Fi Victims

So tomorrow is Monday. I get to sleep in because I am off tomorrow. I am off because I worked the whole weekend. 

Not on this article. I worked the whole weekend sitting in a hole in the ground watching TV. The SciFi network had some great films on this weekend let me tell you. From the female forest ranger getting terrorized by a predatory devil creature to haunted mansion trying to kill the people inside to the family somehow trapped in an underground cave full of giant beetles I was overwhelmed by the shear idiocy of the characters in the movies. Time after  time some stupid person walks away from the group, only to get their head bitten off while they pour themselves a slushie. The lesson here is, if you are in an abandoned mall chasing a time-traveling dinosaur, with 3 other people and you're the only one without a gun, you DO NOT WALK OFF from the group for any reason! Why would you do that? What bloody sense does that make? Your body in multiple pieces in Footlocker is the bloody sense it makes. Where are the writers of these movies from? How do they think that people could be this dumb when faced with ridiculous situations? 

Well I'll tell you. The writers of these esteemed movies could possibly be from Montana. Well maybe not all of Montana, but Great Falls, Montana. If an aspiring SciFi screen writer grew up in Montana, his or her experience with "normal" human logic would revolve heavily around the behavior of the people he observed. The other day I personally witnessed a woman outside, just off her porch, using a shop vac to vacuum her grass. Yes that's right...she was vacuuming her lawn. To what end I wonder, I do not know; but I can imagine her going down into a basement all alone during a power outage after rabid mutant rats have escaped from the local animal control center. That just seems like something she would do. After watching her vac her grass I continued down the street wondering how she answers her children's questions on life. Little Billy Bob probably has asked her where babies come from and been told "well your mom goes to the corner of 27th and 4th and......yada yada yada." That being the location of the next stop down this journey, Universal Semen Sales. This store specializes in all your animal husbandry needs. What, you though Billy Bob was asking about humans? 

Back to my point, at any point on this road Montanans can and will drive by on 4 wheelers. Yes, that's right, ATVs are street legal here. And nobody wears helmets. So the next time they are fleeing El Chupacabra in the suburbs, SciFi screen writers will have their poor unfortunate characters jump on motorcycles and ATVs instead of heavy vehicles with hard roofs that can't be pierced when the thing jumps on back. 

Oh, and the ill-fated idea of going out into the lake or river in a dingy in order to hunt the giant snakehead fish that ate the legs off your aunt? Montana. Not that using a grotesquely under sized boat is the root problem here, it's the going out in the dingy at night, by yourself, with nothing but a pistol, pocketknife and a flashlight that's not waterproof that will get you in the end. Of course you're going to slip and and accidentally swallow the pocketknife, come on!

We're Back!

"I Got Words!" has returned with ALL NEW FEATURES, including the following:

• 3 new writers
  
• More weekly features
  
• That new website smell
  
• Possibly some sort of cockney rhyming slang, even though the only thing I know is that "apples and pears" means stairs, I think.
  
• Run-on sentences
• AND MORE!

Today we start off with a look inside our nation's military by the mysterious SLoth, who is so deeply imbedded in the armed forces that he has been forced to use an alias to write here. Either that, or he has three toes. Or both.

Enjoy.

Hiatus

Well, if you (probably the singular form) haven't noticed, there haven't been any updates over the last few weeks. Expect this to continue into August. On the plus side, the returning blog will be EVEN BETTER with ALL NEW FEATURES (ZOMG!).

So if you don't want to miss any exciting "I Got Words!" action when the blog returns, then subscribe to the RSS feed. Or just check back in Mid-August. Or whatever.

WTF, World: Volume XXVIII

This week's "WTF, World" Wednesday, for no particular reason, will have a "Royal Tenenbaums" theme.

Because I said so.

And here's some links.

• So, a few weeks ago, in order to rally the public to offshore drilling in waters currently off limits to oil companies, Dick Cheney (among others) claimed that the Chinese were drilling off the Florida coast. This assertion happens to be completely untrue. As we're well aware, though, a lack of truth doesn't stop the good folks over at Fox News, who have pushed this claim on multiple occasions since it has been debunked. That's some sweet truthiness, there. SOMEWHAT RELEVANT QUOTE: "Well, everyone knows Custer died at Little Bighorn. What this book presupposes is... maybe he didn't."
• Guess who's behind the latest "traditional marriage" (IT'S ADAM AND EVE, NOT ADAM AND STEVE) amendment... Why, it's convicted bathroom sex solicitor Larry Craig and noted adulterer and diaper fetishist David Vitter! Evidently same-sex marriage is more of a threat to the institution than cheating on your spouse and, you know, breaking the bonds of marriage. Hypocrisy at its finest. Feel free to note that these people have been elected to office by way of popular vote. SOMEWHAT RELEVANT QUOTE: "You wanna talk some jive? I'll talk some jive. I'll talk some jive like you've never heard!"
• This week's "stupid vote cancels out educated one" story comes courtesy of the Washington Post' Eli Saslow. His story about the impact of rumor on Barack Obama's campaign in one small town can be best summed up by this money quote from one Findlay, Ohio resident: "I understand he's from Africa, and the first thing he's going to do if he gets into office is bring his family over here, illegally. He's got that racist [pastor] who practically raised him, and then there's the Muslim thing [...]". Nuff said. SOMEWHAT RELEVANT QUOTE: "Royal O'Reilly Tenenbaum (1932-2001): Died Tragically Rescuing His Family from the Remains of a Destroyed Sinking Battleship."

The Name "Spanky" Probably Wouldn't Fly in Today's Society

The other night, my girlfriend and I were watching TV when we stumbled upon the forgotten classic film "The Little Rascals". I believe the AFI ranks it right behind "Citizen Kane" and "The Godfather" in their best movies list.

Okay, in reality, it isn't nearly that caliber of film, but if you are from my generation and you say there wasn't a time in your life when you liked this movie you are a big fat liar. 

Anyway, we watched the last 45 minutes or so of the film, and, during this time, I couldn't help but wonder what the hell happened to all of the movie's child actors. For the most part, these kids are roughly my age now, and, as you well know, child actors do not normally fare well as they grow up. Hollywood is littered with people like of Todd Bridges, Dustin Diamond, and Danny Bonaduce who alternate between the police blotter and some variation of The Surreal Life. Surely, this movie's child actors must have fallen from the heights of fame (tons of Little Rascals groupies, let me tell you) to a similar fate.

And, according to reliable sources (my mind), many of them did. Here's a rundown of where these actors are now.

Alfalfa (center, next to dog): Naturally, he did what any bowtie-wearing kid would do. He became a Tucker Carlson impersonator for birthdays and special events.

Spanky (to left of Alfalfa): Grew up, got a sex change, turned into Paula Deen (Note the similarities in their voices.).

Darla (only girl in picture): Broke up with Alfalfa soon after movie ended when she realized she was like 6 and boys, at the time, were icky. She later came around to the opposite sex, but went too far and was arrested for prostitution.

Buckwheat and Porky (bottom of picture): Ended up grifting, with moderate success. Eventually were busted by the feds when they tried to pull a big "pickles and dollars" scam.

Waldo (below dog): It must have been rough for this kid, who was typecast as "loathsome rich kid" in pretty much anything he ever acted in. On the other hand, OH MY GOD I HATED HIM SO MUCH. He was pretty much the child version of  Sack from "Wedding Crashers". What happened to him? He is now national president of the Young Republicans. He has more money than you. He is a member of several secret societies geared specifically towards being WASPy. Still loathsome.

Butch (backwards hat) and Woim (ginger kid): So called "tough kids" later tried to lead their gang in a turf war against the Crips. If you have any information on their whereabouts, contact the LAPD.

Stymie (top, wearing hat): Completely normal. Is an engineer. Pretty anti-climactic, really.

So that's all I could dig up. Yet another generation of child actors tossed by the wayside. I suppose it would be a sadder story if any of this were true, but hey, that's what you get on these here interwebs.

WTF, World: Volume XXVII

If you were not already aware, the Celtics won their 17th NBA Championship last night. All is right with the sports world.

But it's Wednesday, so that means I've still gotta complain about something. And how!

Here's some links.

• Here's a sweet story. A high school in Mississippi has finally desegregated its prom. How progressive of them. Oh, wait. I forgot it was 2008 and this should have happened at least 50 years ago. Way to go, guys.
• And certain LSU fans aren't doing any better at making the south look good with their "The Civil War Shoulda Been Best 2 Outta 3" sign. Dumbasses. I suppose if this were the case, though, the Civil War II (Electric Boogaloo) probably would have been a slaughter of Cornell-Hofstra proportions, and there would be no need for a game 3.
• Some Dems have not thrown their support behind Obama because of some well thought-out rationale like this gem, provided by a Tennessee Democratic Party executive: "He's got some bad connections, and he may be terrorist connected for all I can tell. It sounds kind of like he may be." Seems like someone's been watching "The Manchurian Candidate" a bit too much. Hey, that sounds quite similar to the asinine ideas expressed by some (remember: their vote cancels out yours) West Virginians during primary season. What will these people do if Obama is elected president? I am excited to find out.
• "Carbon Belch Day" is wrong in oh so many ways. Even disregarding any global warming ramifications, how could using as much energy as possible do good for anyone? Oh, wait, I see. Oil prices are high, so the only logical thing to do is CONSUME AS MUCH FUEL AS WE CAN. Seriously, the reasoning behind this absolutely blows my mind. If you can come up with a legitimate explanation for Carbon Belch Day besides "haha liberals are pussies", please, do tell. Additionally, this whole thing is particularly funny as the day is promoted by none other than Neil Cavuto, who, as we've seen, is not particularly thrilled about the cost of fuel. He's also a complete idiot, so I suppose it makes sense.

WTF, World: Volume XXVI

This week, on a very special "WTF, World" Wednesday...

I complain about something and direct you to the links below.

• The general election is rolling along, and the biggest news as of now is that Obama gave his wife a celebratory fist pound. The meaning of this action is very important, for some reason or another. Even more ridiculous than the massive amount of attention given to this inane topic is that, according to Fox News, the dap could potentially be a "terrorist fist jab". Let me write that again, just in case you didn't catch it the first time. A TERRORIST FIST JAB. Thank God he didn't do the "exploding pound" thing or they'd probably think Obama was trying to recreate 9/11 with sign language.
• Jerramy Stevens provides a living example of all that is wrong with class, fame and sports in America (NOTE: This article is both really long and really well done. It's a good read, but not something you can simply skim through). Stevens escaped prosecution for rape because of his status as a star football player for the University of Washington, and was punished lightly (if at all) for other offenses he committed. The fact that those of considerable status, and not just athletes, receive preferential treatment is not a new story. However, the sequence of events depicted in this article is completely despicable. A young woman has been scarred for life, and has failed to see justice because people wanted a team to win a game. Absolutely shameful. As a frustrating addendum, half the reader comments slag the Times for publishing the column, as, to these people, supporting UW football is more important than anything else, and exposing criminal actions is worse than actually committing them.
• I swear, if McCain vetoes just one beer, I am outta here. Actually, he could veto Genessee Cream Ale and I would have no problem. That stuff is gross.

Totally Psyched About High Gas Prices

So I normally deal with issues that infuriate me on Wednesdays, but I had to save this gem for today. If you aren't familiar with Neil Cavuto, he is a Fox News anchor. He hosts a business show that rarely, if ever, deals with business. He is a jackass. Last week, he churned out an article castigating environmentalists, who, apparently, love it when things are expensive. As an environmentalist, I figured I would be able to provide a response, and decided to break Cavuto's article down, FJM-style.

'Arrogant' Environmentalists Love to Preach, But Do They Feel the Pain at the Pump?

Lemme answer this one. Yes. Yes we do. End of article.

"Arrogant" — there's no other word for it.

Ooh. I bet we environmentalists love arugula, too. Love it. Lettuce is for suckers, anyway. Good thing this article doesn't have any semblance of arrogance.

wait

Arrogant to dismiss high gas prices and say they should be higher. That maybe that'll teach us and maybe get us conserving, or using more fuel efficient cars, or maybe not using cars at all.

Higher fuel efficiency and conservation!? How dare we suggest things that would, um, save money on gas.

Environmentalists who insist it will do us good, even as it's costing us a good penny. 

Kind of like Republicans (like Cavuto) who say the war in Iraq is doing us good, even as it is costing us a pretty penny. Not to mention all the lives lost, as well. 

Kind of like that, right? OOOH BURN

Who say they feel our pain when they don't. 

Right, because my car runs on dreams and farts. Oh wait, no, it runs on gasoline.

Who sympathize for our adjustments, but won't adjust themselves.

How, exactly, are environmentalists not willing to adjust to changing gas prices? Oh, I see what he is doing here... 

Look, I can make stupid unfounded statements, too:

Neil Cavuto says he hates terrorism, but he also made passionate love to Osama Bin Laden wile burning the American flag.

Usually they live in cities 

Seeing as over eighty percent of the US population lives in urban areas, this is a valid assumption.

and know little of long commutes or how expensive those commutes can be. 

They don't drive very much. Don't seem to get out very much. Don't seem to relate to folks who do, day in and day out.

Nope. We stay cooped up inside our homes every day. Don't get out ever. Because environmentalists hate fun.

Folks who commute long distances, not because they want to, but because they have to. 

Folks unlike Neil Cavuto, who, as a prominent member of a powerful media group, is probably wealthy as all get-out and can afford to live wherever the hell he pleases and thus choose whether or not to have a long commute.

Also, I love when commentators pander to "working Americans" by using the word "folks". Keep your eye out for this in the future.

And because they don't have the luxury of public transportation, 

Wait, have you ever taken public transportation before? The last word that ever came to mind when I rode the T or the bus (w00t 57) was "luxury". "What's that smell?" often came to mind, but never "luxury".

or a car that runs on wind, 

I think what you were looking for here is "sailboat". No one takes a sailboat to work. Except pirates.

or the hot air of the leftist who lectures them.

OH HA HA GOOD ONE CAVUTO YOU GOT ME

No, these folks — average folks, good folks, regular folks — they have to work for a living. 

Right, we environmentalists do not work. We create money out of the ether solely by complaining. I wish I knew that, as a environmentalist, I didn't have to work. I would have quit my job a long time ago.

Not lecture people on what they should do while they're living.

Which is exactly what Neil Cavuto does for a living and is doing in this article.

Easy to say, they can deal. Easy to say, they can adjust.

Actually, I bitch about gas prices and money all the time.

It's easy to say, "it's easier than you think" when it's not.

I'd like to clean their air and say this to environmentalists who in some perverted fashion seem to relish this pain at the pump: You're a pain in the ass. 

Let me resort to 8-year-old speak here. Takes one to know one. 

You know what is a pain in the ass? Ignorant assholes like Neil Cavuto who pretend to be a working-class stiff while making millions of dollars. Assholes who think oil CEOs are justified in receiving 400 million dollar severance packages while gas prices skyrocket. Fuck off, you stupid, phony, piece of shit.

Save your trite lectures for those who can afford them. 

Like Neil Cavuto.

Not a nation of hard-working, traveling Americans who cannot.

Yup, I've always associated travel with poverty, too.

So what was the point here, exactly? Don't do things that are good for the environment because people work hard? Gas prices are high, but not for environmentalists? Millionaires feel the pain of the working class?

Oh, I've figured it out. The central theme of Cavuto's piece was "Neil Cavuto is a douchebag".

He did a great job of supporting it.