The Return

It looks like the blog will return to regularly scheduled service next week, so, all the reader(s) left out there can look forward to a roughly 200 percent increase of "Back to the Future, II" references in their lives.

THOSE BOARDS DON'T WORK ON WATER!

UNLESS YOU'VE GOT POWER!

Stuff like that, basically.

In other news (because I like to pretend other people care about tripe like this), Tottenham Hotspur FC finally overcame the "Scott supports us so we therefore cannot be any good" curse with a 2-1 victory over Chelsea in the Carling Cup final on Sunday, becoming the first team I root for to win a major trophy since the 49ers' Super Bowl Victory in 1995.

HOORAY! THE BLOG IS COMING BACK!

Unrelated to this is the Orioles' drive for 0-162.

WTF, World: Volume XV

This week on a very special "WTF, World"...

Thursday = Wednesday!

Whatever. Here's some links.

• Here's some highlights from an excellent article on the Bush administration's war against science, and, in particular, their adamant opposition to the HPV vaccine. Because curing cervical cancer won't be worth it if people have premarital sex. Wait, what? The full article also contains a quotation from a formal medical advisor to Focus on the Family, who would oppose an HIV vaccine (if one were available) for similar reasons. Bravo.
• God forbid college becomes more affordable. Many universities refuse to put any part of their billion-dollar endowments into financial aid, and instead opt to go in the exact opposite direction and raise tuition. Anyone who tells you college is nothing like big business is either naive or lying.
• Gay sex = earthquakes. It's science, people.

WTF, World: Volume XIV

When your body grows bigger,

Your mind must flower,

It's great to learn...

BECAUSE KNOWLEDGE IS POWER

It's "WTF, World",

A chip off the block,

Of your very favorite day

WTF WEDNESDAY

Yes, I remembered all the words to the "Schoolhouse Rock" intro. Now bear with me as I sing "Three is a Magic Number". No? Okay, well here's some links instead.

• And speaking of learning, this whole "teaching" thing is garbage. You know what will make kids smarter? Praying. I'm not saying people shouldn't pray, but perhaps, in this instance, it may be better to, I don't know, spend time actually interacting with the kids and teaching them? As the Bible says, "God helps those who help themselves." Wait. No. That was just Ben Franklin. Still, I mean COME ON.
• Well, now Kansas and many Middle Eastern countries have something in common: hardcore discrimination against women! 
• Gotta love right-wing rationale (humor?). Evidently liberals have a greater voice on the 'net because, and I quote, conservatives "have families because we don't abort our kids, and [...] have jobs because we believe in capitalism." You'll have to excuse me from responding, as I have to go perform an abortion. Here's some other batshit crazy quotes for your pleasure while I'm at it.
• And finally, Fire Joe Morgan is a great site that systematically picks apart the arguments of many prominent sports journalists. It's run by a bunch of television writers (including Michael Schur, who also played Mose Schrute on 'The Office") who are considerably better at their craft than I, and if you are an angry sports fan like myself, I encourage you to check out the site on your free time. This week these guys give us this gem, which does a great job of explaining something I've been trying to get at for years. I could get into this further, but right now I don't have time for a multi-thousand-word post. Again with the abortions.

WTF, World: Volume XIII

"WTF, World" Wednesdays finished runner-up in the Working Dog category in this year's Westminster Dog Show.

This week I'm going to switch things up, just for the hell of it. Instead of posting infuriating links, I'm going to go with more enjoyable ones. For those of you who need that Wednesday "something to bitch about" boost, normal service will resume next week.

• One of the main reasons I began supporting Spurs back in the day was that Robbie Keane was one of their strikers. So you can appreciate the great man as much as I do, here's a video of him absolutely abusing Khalid Boulahrouz in a Spurs-Chelsea match from last season. When I saw this happen live during the game, I sounded like a mix between an excited Tommy Heinsohn and the guy who calls the And1 basketball games (OH BABY!).
• River-bank filtration (RBF) is a method that has been used for years to purify water. Essentially, river water is drawn through sediment and soils, removing impurities and leaving safe, clean, fresh water. They're now employing a similar system to turn sewage into potable water in Southern California. I think this is awesome. Others may be grossed out, but, hey, they're not writing this blog.
• As you are well aware, I love me some American Gladiators. Here's some gladiator-themed hilarity.
• I VERY EXCITE! I VERY EXCITE! (No, not about Hayden Panettiere or the Spice Girls.)

Time Out

Well, it looks like, due to my work schedule, my regular Friday column will have to go on hiatus for a little while. I'll still be posting "WTF, World"s every Wednesday for the time being, and I'll throw up a band-aid style set of links later today.

WTF, World: Volume XII

 "WTF, World" Wednesdays: I didn't know tho the hell David Tyree was, either.

Links located conveniently below this sentence.

• Glad to see our government is tackling the important issues, like making sure "In God we Trust" is given prominence on new coins. Well, at least they aren't wasting time passing resolutions praising the Giants for winning the... Wait, what?
• Dear red states, please stop bitching about taxes. Why? Because it is our (blue states) taxes that are used to fund your programs. The top 11 states in federal spending per taxes paid: red states. I'm surprised you could open your mouth far enough to complain, what with it wrapped so tightly around the federal teat.
• While I'm going after hypocrites, to those of you who are freaking out that gay marriage because "it jeopardizes traditional marriage" or something like that, guess which state has the lowest divorce rate? Massachusetts. Meanwhile, excluding Nevada, the bible belt manages to lead the nation in this statistic. Well done, and now shut the fuck up.

The Madness Ends

1990's music videos. I had no idea there were so many. 

Let's get this over with, people,  and next week I can get back to bitching about television or Golden Grahams or something.

Spice Girls

"Wannabe"

How did this happen? Naming an album "Schubert Dip" was one thing, but the fact that the Spice Girls were (and still are) popular is astounding. I guess they caught the public's imagination with their lyrics. For example:

"I really really really wanna zig-a-zig-ha."

wait

I remember that these ladies were seen as symbols of "girl power," a phenomenon now known as "grrl power" because in the 2000s we do not need vowels in our words. How are the Spice Girls empowering? Is it because the kind-of-ugly one wears a sports bra everywhere? Or that the red-haired one posed nude before she was in the group? Or that they make me sound like a complete misogynist? I just don't know, but if I have a daughter I sure as shit aren't going to encourage her to become like the Spice Girls and bounce around a hotel singing (or, in the case of Posh Spice, not singing) about something mentioned in "All your Base are Belong to Us"

Unlike many of the other videos I've reviewed I encourage you NOT to watch this piece of garbage.

Right Said Fred

"I'm Too Sexy"

Two words: FALSE ADVERTISING. 

I noticed at the beginning of this video on MTV, no album was listed for the song. It seems Right Said Fred actively tried to become a one-hit wonder. Mission Accomplished, gentlemen.

This is one of those songs that an older generation steals from a younger one, like "The Macarena", "Mambo Number Five", or "911 Is a Joke", thus rendering it utterly uncool. Not that this was ever actually cool, but, then again, I was like seven when this came out, and I thought "Full House" was cool at the time, so I am not exactly the best judge. Anyway, odds are your grandma knows this song. And that is creepy. Just picture her singing "I'm too sexy for my cat. Oh, pussy, pussy cat". You can thank me and Right Said Fred for never being able to achieve sexual arousal ever again.

Also, note that I refrained from gay jokes here. Except for that one.

I MEAN COME ON THE GUY WEARS A MESH TANK TOP

House of Pain

"Jump Around"

Hey, a white guy is rapping? And he's Irish? And the word "jump" is involved? Looks like we have a song that will be played at every Celtics home game ever!

Everlast is putting out  a little K-Fed vibe with his look here. Not something you should strive for. And yes, I am completely aware that K-Fed was not even relevant at this time, but, nonetheless, the "sketchy white guy" look never works. Better than mesh tanks, but still, not good.

I remember that my high school football team used to play this song after every one of our wins during my last year on the team. We won three games that season. Possibly because listening to "Jump Around" was our reward for victory. Also because we sucked at football.

JOCK JAMS COUNT: 7

Mark Morrison

"Return of the Mack"

This is another one of those tunes that I liked back in the day. I may have even owned the cassingle. Now, all I can think of when I hear this song is "He can't say the word 'mack'." And it's true. He says "maah" EVERY TIME.

The real outstanding thing about this video is the appearance of Mr. Morrison himself. I think Giselle summed it up best with "He looks like a woman. Like a manly woman." And yet we are supposed to believe that he has the looks to pull the fine-assed model in this video. Maybe she is attracted to men with speech impediments.

This isn't a particularly remarkable video. It could easily be made today, but for the fact that Canary Wharf appeared to have like 2 buildings when this was filmed. Way to stand the test of time, Mark Morrison (Please ignore the fact that today noone knows who the hell Mark Morrison is). 

Ace of Base

"The Sign"

Nothing, NOTHING says "1990s" more than Ace of Base. What a way to finish the show. The video speaks for itself, from the big guy who does nothing but point and pout at the camera, to the other guy who does nothing but walk towards a fan, to the two chicks I used to have a crush on back in the day.

That is the 90's. Hair blowing in the wind and hot Swedish chicks.

JOCK JAMS COUNT: -6.02x10^23